Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

I think maybe the inlaws are too much. If you guys find yourselves together and happy, then resume that relationship with the inlaws.

I agree with this. We still genuinely care for each other, I believe, but they are going through so much of their own stuff in addition to this that I definitely think it makes it more difficult. In my mind, I want to be there for them and I do hope that keeping them in my life would increase chances of H deciding to recon with me, but probably that's the wrong way to look at it. It's just another thing I resent, having to lose all these other relationships with people because of him.

I'd pay a cop to serve him, that's somewhat normal around here. Keep it business like. I wouldn't say anything like that to him either, he already knows it. You would just solidify yourself as Plan B. As for creating that "moment", I'd say it's a risky move. I'm not sure how it will play out but I'd prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

The thing is he is not going to get served at all. We agreed on how to split things when this all started and agreed that we do not want to hire Ls and waste a bunch (more) money.. That's one thing I am thankful for in this sitch, even though it makes it seem even crazier how badly it seems he just wants to get away. So he (or I, depending on who filed first) would simply be signing a waiver of service.

This is the reason I am also getting more anxious though, the more I hear about what he and OW are doing. I don't want someone to change his mind about how we should go about the D and then he initiates a battle.

Last night I was thinking though, he likely really will need to get some info for me if he were to proceed filing on his end first (like my SSN). I don't know for sure that he's organized enough or has anything that would have my info on it for him to refer to anymore. So I could just wait and then if he does start to ask me more questions, then I could hurry up and do it first since I read that the court will only accept one (unless you're filing jointly). Then at that point I could tell him I've already got it in the system, he can sign the thing, and if he tries to make it bigger than that it would become a conversation at least vs. ME getting served by surprise. I really have no idea how likely that would be to occur, I'm just scared since there are now other people involved with H and have no idea who they are or how much they know about me and our sitch.

Turn it around, he didn't file right? So did you feel like he was pursuing you? I hope that answers you question.

I don't feel like he's pursuing me by not filing, but I'd be lying if I didn't say him not filing gives me some impression of hope...like maybe he's leaving himself an "out" if he wanted to come back to his marriage. At the very, very least, I know he's not running off and marrying OW if he's still married to me, hah (wow, my standard of positive events has really changed!)

So on the flip side of that, if I am not filing either I feel like that gives HIM the impression that I am still hopeful he will return. Not necessarily that I am actively pursuing, but that I am still available as the 2nd option/plan B like you mentioned, even without me saying anything to reinforce that. That's the balance I'm struggling to achieve.

I'm so sorry that you're at this point where you feel like you've lost control. I hope you know you can gain control over your life and your happiness no matter where this divorce goes. But it's up to you. Let go of the stuff you can't do anything about and go work towards something where you energy will reap benefits. Your H is one of those things you can't control.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart ovrrnbw. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to me and I can tell you mean what you say. I've accepted that I can't control H, I just have not yet been able to accept his actions or the hurt they've caused. I know I have a choice as to how I respond to the hurt, and I am doing some positive things that help, and I have really good moments where I feel like I'll be okay.. I just can't seem to escape the ultimate feeling of doom and gloom for losing what I already had.

I tell myself all the time that this could open my life up for something better. But I am a very logical thinker and I can't acknowledge that without also acknowledging the potential reality that maybe something better WON'T happen. Maybe I will never meet someone I like, or who likes me, again. Maybe I will but then that relationship will fail for some reason too. I feel the odds of being alone are higher than the odds of finding someone I connected with like my H, and I know that may just be fear talking but that's where I am getting a lot of anxiety that's keeping me in this spot. And that's why I feel like I will never move forward on my own unless I force something, like the D, even if I still feel like it's not the end for me.

Maybe I should give it more time but the pressure from my family and continuing to feel like an idiot for "letting" H do this to me, along with the fear of other characters in H's life affecting mine, is all just wearing on me. It feels like psychological warfare.