13 years and 2 kids pt. 3.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So, here I am, back journaling / aka enforcing self therapy.

Its been some time since my last entry, and I guess you could say, I have been soul searching and I have embraced and realized some processes that I have not been able to look at until now.

So I had the kids for christmas, and it was a wonderful day even though I had dreaded it, since someone vital and a big piece of Christmas for the last decade, was no longer present. I ended up taking the kids to church in the morning - It was a great sermon about giving, caring and forgiving - It really hit home on so many fronts, that I just sat there, with S1 on my lap, D4 next to me, and I was calmed by the words given, while I thought to my self that whatever comes my way, I can handle it after what I have experienced now. I left the church with a child holding each of my hands, and I felt light and happy.

We then had a great christmas with my extended family. My D4 didn't ask about mom one single time, and just had a really good time for all I could tell. Late in the evening I tugged the kids in the car, and we headed home.

The next day we went to a christmas dinner with my family once again, and in the evening we had to attend a birthday party. Kids were behaving wonderfully, and I had time to actually just engage in conversations and enjoy myself. It was really good.

Now, here I am sitting on the couch, journalling. Kids are playing on the floor with their presents, and I will wrap this up now, so I can go play with them. WW is off on her adventure with OM and I have found my peace with that. She even had the "courtesy / was gracious / disrespectful" enough to write me and ask to facetime the kids today while she is gone with him. I could say that I didn't respond and that I was furious, fact is, I am no longer. I just shake it off and wonder how one becomes so ignorant and careless about persons they once loved, if they ever did and then I responded truthfully "We aren't home presently, kids are fine." <-- Some of you might say, that I am accepting the affair, or that I am allowing her bad behavior / enabling it?

Fact is, that we aren't married, she decided to give up on me, on our institution as a family. I fought, I fought for so long and I took so much crap, as those of you who has been with me from the start can surely attest to. I am done - I have embraced that there is a new future for me, and I am really looking forward to it. It sickens me that she leaves to be with OM, but it isn't because of the fact that she wants a new life, it is because of the neglect she is showing towards the kids in this special time of year.

I don't want to be with her anymore. You might call it give up, I tell my self I am moving on. She has hurt me once too many times with behaviors that has been manipulative and lying only to get what she wanted at the time. I hope she becomes happy so that my children will have a stable and loving home with two compassionate grown ups, whenever they aren't at my house. I wish her well, despite what she has given me, and that really baffled me, when I sat there in the church, realizing that my old beloved companion was no more, and that it was okay, I had accepted that.

I can't tell you guys what the future holds for me. A new love? rekindling of an old love? time till tell, I can say though, that I am not afraid to walk my path, and even though the bridge collapsed momentarily, It is now back to a place, where it can hold me and my kids, onto new adventures - And I am really exited!

I wish you all a very very christmas, and I hope you all are well around the world. I will keep documenting my journey because all your comments and perspectives on well, me, are so much appreciated.

Thank you!