Seeing some rays of light (pain18 DB IX)

[sandi2]

It was only after I started the DB process that I realized not only the contributions I made that lead to this, but also the deep-rooted causes of why I was who I was. I would have never addressed my NGS if it was not pointed out to me. I would not have started the process of finding my balls. And I certainly would not have made such strong bonds with a bunch of folks from all walks of life here. This board is my primary source of support.

Thanks for sharing those thoughts with us, Pain. For me, it has always been about the individual person who is reaching out for help. It is seeing that individual rising from the ashes of their MR and refusing to allow it to define themselves as a loser. It has been such an encouragement to see people discover their own sense of self value and to make remarkable changes in their lives. IMHO, you have been one of those people. That's not to say your story has ended, b/c our personal stories never end as long as we have a breath left in us. I just mean that you are going to be one of those who will be able to look back on your journaling and see the distance you traveled.

I'm not sure if these are common thoughts that the most LBS goes through or if we're the minority. All I know is that no matter how many people tell me how things will get better, the belief of that is simply not there. I put my hope into that thought, as evidenced by my posts on coincidental sunrises, and songs, and whatnot.

When you say the belief of that is simply not there, are you referring to the belief your MR will get better...….or your life will get better....should there be a divorce?

But right now, it's just really dark, really lonely, and is killing my self-esteem.

The words that jumped out to me in that paragraph "is killing my self-esteem". You may be writing from a place of deep hurt on what's suppose to be a joyous occasion, and may not want to expound on it. However, if you don't mind.....can you explain how it is killing your self-esteem? I think living under the same roof is affecting your self-esteem and keeps your anger right beneath the boiling point. But, that's JMHO. Who am "I" to tell any LBS how to feel? I'm not.

Both spouses contribute to the breakdown of a MR, IMHO. Nobody knows better than the other spouse. I don't think it makes either of them a failure at everything else in their life. Perhaps the MR fails......but it does not mean either of the spouses are less human, or that they will never be able to feel happiness again. Thank God that our worthiness as a human being is not measured by just one relationship; just one job or career; or on one chance in life. ((hugs))

I have been told I am a wonderful man and that I do not deserve this. I really don't know how to respond to that anymore.

My suggestion is to quietly say, "Thank you". No need to discuss the sitch. You know, we often tell one another on the board that we deserve better, etc. One day, a Newbie told me that everyone deserved better. In other words, it wasn't helping him for me to tell him things like that. Sometimes, friends, family. or co-workers want to say something comforting, but don't know what to say. So, just know they mean well, and leave it at that.

I don't know if your M will last, however, I believe you will be okay if it doesn't. (See, there I go again, telling you that you'll be okay). The failure of a MR, does not determine you or your W fail as individual people. Some people have their identify so enmeshed or attached to the M, they cannot see themselves as an individual. They cannot foresee themselves being happy without their current spouse. They don't know how to go about having a "new" life, b/c everything about them has been defined by the M. Men with NGS may find it difficult to imagine carving out a life without their XW, b/c they saw their identification as being someone's husband. Same applies for some women who centered their life to having a home, raising children, being a good wife, etc.

Changing the subject just a bit...…….what have you been doing to physically work off your pent up anger?

Sending you a big hug (((Pain))).