Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

I was just in the MLC forum and reading about others' MLCs. I saw so much stuff about people waiting it out for longer, and I FEEL like it's been a lot longer that I've been waiting, I think because of how embarrassing it is when someone is treating you this way and people around you start to think you're an idiot with no self esteem or self worth...

It made me disappointed that I've gotten to the point of filing...but I am so confused because I know emotionally I'm not considering my marriage to be over. Is that okay to be in this frame of mind where I want to D for other reasons but would still be open to recon?? There's no "rule" that says you can DB if you actually go through with D, is there?

Like I said in my last post, I am just trying to truly "drop the rope" and focus on myself in the meantime while H is doing whatever he needs to do. And I can't do that if I'm asking him for money each month, etc. Part of me has thought maybe that's a good thing, like an excuse to contact him every once in a while (even though the interactions are dry and short and to the point, and he never tries to "bait" me into anything more or monster whatsoever) but I know that's not focusing on ME, that's focusing on what I think I want to get out of HIM.

It seems from some other MLC situations that it is only in that case where the LBS starts really "doing" things in the opposite direction that the MLCer might suddenly feel a little more loss. Maybe it hasn't been long enough in my sitch, but I just keep getting the feeling that my H is thinking I must still be desperate and hanging on; because we don't have any other need to interact with each other and have been NC, there is no other opportunity for me to show him that I am moving on... by default, not filing seems like a pursuit in itself if I put myself in his shoes. Does that make sense?

This is why in my post above I mentioned that I somehow want to SHOW him that I am not necessarily going to be around forever...that I need to at least take some steps forward...but also not making him feel like he can't come to me, which I keep reading is one of the important elements in recon from MLC.

I am also keeping in mind that just because I've submitted the petition, and may move some things forward, it doesn't mean I have to go through with it if for some reason I change my mind. But I am trying NOT to make this decision based on his reaction, and do it instead based on how I am feeling. And that's just hard because filing doesn't feel good, but the past 3 months have definitely not felt good either.

As I read more and more about MLC and how unlikely it is for people to come out of it, let alone come out of it AND admit to all he hurts they've done and really work on themselves, I'm afraid I'll just be wasting my time. I do fully believe it would be worth it but the odds seem so much stacked against me, and then I also have to consider whether H would even fully be able to do the work even if he was saying he wanted to come back. Or what other side effects he may have created that I would be dealing with during or after piecing. What braveheart said in the thread below really resonated with me:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741&page=7

I don't want to be that person standing for 8 years, nothing ever happens, and then meanwhile I've been unable to fully detach. I am so so so SO deeply saddened by the thought of completely losing 9 years of my life and everything about me and H together that I know is wonderful. But if I'm going to have to move on, it's going to take a long time anyway...so I might as well start now without any expectation. I bet 2-3 years could go by and I still won't have gotten completely over it, in which case if H came back there'd still be a chance. And IF something did happen in that time where I didn't want H back, then good for me.

It seems like THIS is what DBing is coming down to for me - stopping my own dance of dreaming up the future or hanging on to the past and just going to acceptance, but not being mean or shutting out my H; instead just doing what any "normal" person would do when someone treats them this way and try to separate myself from it fully, including D, until (if and when) H were to take the lead on coming back.

I don't know if I'm just getting angrier or what. I do fear I'm just doing this all "wrong" (I know there's not a definitive "right") and that mostly I will make a decision I will regret later, knowing full well I won't have that line of sight until later. It is terrifying to know my life is going to look vastly different in the future but that I have so little control over what that will be. I feel like right now I am just trying to gain back any sense of control over my life so I can feel a little bit of the normalcy that's been missing since May.