Well, as quick as Christmas came, it went. H just left. He was here when we got back from church last night. It was a pleasant enough celebration, but I think he is struggling.
I was a bit surprised that I felt no strong emotions with H in the house. No awkward moments. No anxiousness. No nothing, really. After the kids opened their gifts this morning, I went on a 4+ mile walk. It was so peaceful. Birds chirping, the sun was warm on my face, and I saw 2 deer. It made me happy. Just enjoying God’s creation. Just taking pleasure out of the small things in life.
I didn’t expect H to initiate any R discussion, or even bring up what is going to happen at the end of the month. He is renting month to month. When he left, he thanked me for having him and gave me a hug. I hung on a bit, and asked him if he was happy living where he was. I know it’s not the DBing thing to do. I knew it before I said it. But, I wanted to. His response “it’s been difficult”. I wanted to say “well, what are you doing about it?”. But, instead I said “Are you heading to any decisions about it”, or something like that. He said “No. Not heading towards any decisions. This is not the time to discuss it", and pretty much bolted from the house. I said "yes, you're right. Now is not the time". I will now leave it alone. He’ll be back this weekend to take down the outside Christmas decorations and see the kids. Perhaps I will be busy and miss the visit.
Earlier in the day I asked him if he still felt suicidal from time to time. He expressed that a few times to me in the past, that sometimes he thinks it would be easier just to end it. After a long pause, he said “I think I’ve already answered that”. I’m assuming he’s referring to our conversation about a month ago, which I posted about on a previous thread. I let it go, but I think he’s really a mess inside. He certainly doesn’t seem happy. I expressed to a friend this weekend that I have a strong (VERY strong) sense of doom and foreboding. Like something tragic is going to happen to H. I’ve had it for several years, on and off. I can’t seem to shake it. I pray that premonition doesn’t come true.
The Bible teaches us that God can show Grace and Mercy on, and Redeem, the most broken people. I am going to continue to pray that HE will some day be able to reach H.
