Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Hi everyone.

I just wanted to provide an update. And some news, which entails a long post to get you call caught up.

First, I still had not received H's portion of bill money so today I texted him to simply ask when he would be sending it. He said tomorrow but then a minute later texted again and said he just sent it, and I did receive it.

I also asked when I could expect the next payment (for January) because I wanted to plan for HOA dues and would need to make sure the other bills are covered. He said he would give that from his next paycheck.

That was the end of that, but since my last post I went on a little trip like I mentioned, which was good and bad at the same time. I really liked spending time with some extended family. But I did ruminate a lot about everything I've learned recently about H and OW. I caught up one family member who hadn't yet gotten all the details and basically said what everyone else does about how they would not be able to deal with someone who did that to them anymore.

While on the trip I got a text from H's son saying thank you for his birthday card and thinking of him, and to have a Merry Christmas. My dad also texted him on his b-day and got a text back that basically said the same thing but also "Have a blessed Christmas". I had to analyze that one because he NEVER use the word "blessed" as long as I've known him. Me and my H are not really religious, although we do not have anything against those who are. But wouldn't you know it, OW is (and I know from when I looked in the past on her SM) that she uses the word "blessed" so now I'm like wow, are they suddenly enlightened and going to become a totally different family now because of her? Has my H suddenly decided to sign up for church? I mean I'm sure he could use something like that at this point! But it's probably just more lies, lies, lies. Everything they are doing is in some alternate universe. And also, pretty sure OW and my H in that case are going to hell. Just saying.

So I came back and talked with my mom who also is super POed and ruminating like I was all weekend. She is also frustrated with the ILs and how they don't seem to be confronting H about his behavior. I agree that if I had a child who was married and bringing another person over all of a sudden that I would probably be like, what the heck are you doing right now? Get your stuff straight and take responsibility for your current situation.

Is that not reasonable? I know family is family but is it normal for a family to be so passive when someone like their grown son is clearly doing things that do not seem responsible? I mean if it was a less important decision I get that parents can't control their grown-@$$ children...but when it's life-changing stuff, and seemingly in a negative direction, isn't there a normal expectation that they would say something about it?

My mom continues to try to understand my thought process and be frustrated with why I'm not just washing my hands of this and walking away. She says these things happen all the time basically, and why can't I get past it or just be angrier and realize all the hurtful things he's continuing to do with another woman. In my mind there HAVE to be bigger issues there given the details and layers of our relationship and this sitch, unless I'm really such a chump that the only difference is he got away with hiding his crazy from me longer than with others? I don't know. But I don't disagree with her and hate being in this in-between of wanting to make my marriage work and wanting to believe in someone and forgive them, while also acknowledging that I should never have to deal with something like this from anyone.

The bottom line is that the more I find out, the more it seems to prove to me that he is not having any second thoughts. Of course I have no way to know that, but given what I know about him and the issues we had in our M regarding his inability to confront things proactively, I feel pretty confident that even if he is having second thoughts, he's not going to put in the work to start undoing the path that he's started to go down. I was thinking about this more the other night and how maybe he felt damned if he does, damned if he doesn't in terms of hurting either OW or me, and that because of the fact that he is so "used" to me it was simply easier to hurt me than it was for him to think about hurting a completely new person (OW). In weird way it makes sense to me. He'd rather save his reputation with a new person than save face with an "old" one who already knows he's flawed.

So I'm guessing that especially at this point, with her moving in and the both of them meeting each other's parents and crap, it would take a miracle for my H to suddenly be like "oh hey, I'm making a mistake here," to the extent that he would break up with her, which would now entail even more work on his side (kicking her out and judgment from her family now that they are acquainted, etc.)

Also, I don't get why suddenly he's moved SO fast with her when it took him so long to move out and everything (and really only happened because I kicked him out). If this is what they wanted to do and neither of them were concerned about staying with their current partners, why didn't they plan this out and move out themselves earlier? I guess OW actually had moved out of her BF's house and was living with her parents, so recounting all of this just validates what we already know - my H is trying to be the hero and because he's able to get away with it because he has a lame friend who was willing to MOVE OUT OF HIS HOUSE for my H, he doesn't have to be responsible and do all the work for finding a place on his own, and now he can "save her" from her situation.

Legitimately I am so mad that friends and family just "let" him do these things. I'd like to think if I had a friend who was doing things like this, I'd be like ummm wth are you doing? And I certainly wouldn't disrupt my OWN life to make sure they had a place to stay when it's clear they need to get their priorities in order. It seems so many people have no integrity and are afraid to call things out when people around them act badly. I don't get it.

Yadda yadda - where I'm at today is this: I have felt consistently that the "wondering" about whether he will file and when and what's going on in his head has been a cloud over me. While I know the paperwork and the emotional part are separate, I do feel there is some level of emotion keeping me attached by way of still being legally married to him. It has made it too hard for me to detach, and I think that's because if I'm honest, I have been taking some level of "comfort" in us still being legally married, like it "means" something or would make it easier for H to come back to me if/when he were to make that decision.

I'm thinking now though that to H it means absolutely nothing... so with the recent news about his situation and now with new people getting involved in his life that I know nothing about, I've really started to get more scared than anything else about what will happen if other people he knows find out I have more money, or try to whisper in his ear about the house, etc. So I decided I need to file.

I've had a discussion with myself that similarly to us being married now but not really together, starting the paperwork or even actually being D doesn't change the possibility of future recon. I'm not sure if my H will see it that way but I can't worry about him anymore. He has started to go further and further down a path that continues to put me in a bad spot legally and financially, not to mention that continues to insult my worth emotionally.

I am still going to be watching to see when this all blows up and I may (or may not) still be there when it does...but I need to let my H know that I'm not willing to be a part of his bad "business" decisions, at the very least.

I filled out the petition online and submitted it today... I am wondering the best way to tell him that I've done it so he can sign the part he needs to sign, and also if I should say anything explaining what I've just explained to you all - that it doesn't mean I'm not still willing to work on our relationship, but that I'm not willing to stay legally tied given his behavior and the implications those things could have on me. I'm kind of hoping to create a moment that makes a statement about me starting to move in a certain direction so he knows I'm not just going to wait here forever or accept how he's making me look so stupid; that while I'm not fully 100% done, I'm starting to take steps.

I just don't feel like letting my H do what he wants with NC and no action on my part is going to do anything but allow him to keep avoiding the realities of life. And honestly, that seems to be the case with me too. I can't keep avoiding the reality of what he is doing and what that says about how he feels about me. As much as I want to keep making excuses for him and hoping there's a logical explanation and he'll snap out of it, I don't think that's healthy. I think I need to take this for what it is, at this moment, and stop making conjecture; to be okay with the things I've done to try to fight for it, to be okay with how I handle it going forward (knowing that it doesn't mean I have to be ugly or cold in the process), and to allow myself one less thing to be attached to as I try to live my own life, all the while knowing that I still get to decide if I am open to a future relationship with him should he turn around and want to work on it. But that's the only thing right now that can change any of this at this point - HIM.