I was an anxious wreck all day yesterday, in anticipation of today. Christmas was my favorite holiday the last 10 years. I knew that today was not going to resemble anything like the previous ones at all.
WW, D4, and I met for Christmas Eve dinner. I was aloof and distant, just being so worked up. I would not be surprised if my body language showed that to WW. After dinner, we went (separate cars) to the church service. I met up with some folks who I caught up with and gave a little insight as to what is going on in our lives.
The service went with no problems. It was one of the few services in which I was engaged in from start to finish. After the service, we went home, and D4 went to open one of her gifts. I was not feeling well, so I decided to turn in early. I popped a Xanax and slept until this morning.
We woke up and opened presents. I have WW a gift on D4's behalf (D4 picked a gift for WW and I paid for it). There was nothing from me. I got one gift myself.
Afterwards, WW and D4 got dressed and went to have christmas breakfast/lunch/whatever with "friends". I stayed at home to clean up and just get some space. I'll be getting ready shortly to head out myself. I was invited to stop by at a friend's for brunch. I may go hiking or lift in a bit just to release some of this tension.
I caught up on burned's thread and saw a post on what this board has done, what it's doing, and what it will continue to do:
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I think that most of those who end up here are "fixers" and are attracted by the premise of DB which is to save our marriages. The forum feeds in to the counseling which has helped a good number of people even if they haven't been quite as active in soliciting in the last year or so. What we have here is a small community of people who care deeply, who are looking for answers and looking to fix things. A number of them hang around and try to help or "fix" the newcomers who come in. For me I hang around because I have made some good friends here and this is a nice place to keep my diary.
I've participated and read other forums. It's really the community and the premise of a "system" I think that has people stay here. The people here tend to be more thoughtful and more devoted to their spouses along with more forgiving. As I wrote to someone probably around 2 years ago, by the time people end up here though our situations are usually so far down the rabbit hole that there is little chance of a turn-around. It does happen, but it is rare.
Other forums are less "blame the victim" or "fix the problem" - call it what you will. They focus on cutting the wayward spouse loose as quickly and painlessly as possible. They are much less common though as the common narrative in society is that reconciliation is the ideal goal rather than self-preservation.
It took me nearly 7 months post-BD to discover this thread. I look back and ask myself if things would have turned out differently if I started the DB process sooner (maybe February or March). Instead, I have made a lot of mistakes. It was only after I started the DB process that I realized not only the contributions I made that lead to this, but also the deep-rooted causes of why I was who I was. I would have never addressed my NGS if it was not pointed out to me. I would not have started the process of finding my balls. And I certainly would not have made such strong bonds with a bunch of folks from all walks of life here. This board is my primary source of support.
I continued to read through burned's thread and saw a snippet of his posting of his thought process that is nearly identical to mine:
Originally Posted by burned
Let this be a record of my current thought processes: “Most WASes eventually look back.” Yeah, but mine probably won’t. “There are lots of recon stories.” Yeah, but I’m not a DB ninja like them, and I already did so much damage. “You won’t want her back.” Yeah, but it would be nice to at least have the option. “You’ll be better off without her.” Hmm. Maybe.
I'm not sure if these are common thoughts that the most LBS goes through or if we're the minority. All I know is that no matter how many people tell me how things will get better, the belief of that is simply not there. I put my hope into that thought, as evidenced by my posts on coincidental sunrises, and songs, and whatnot. But right now, it's just really dark, really lonely, and is killing my self-esteem.
I have been told I am a wonderful man and that I do not deserve this. I really don't know how to respond to that anymore. I keep fighting for positivity but it is taking a lot of energy to do so. Lately I have been sleeping more lately and not GAL because I am so tired and hopeless. I hope it's just a bump. I hope that once the holidays are over I can get up and running again.
And I really hope that these last 7 days of what is unequivocally the worst year of my 37 year existence on this planet goes by fast and uneventful.
