Divorce inevitable

[Hamburg]

I have been searching for forgiveness and it is difficult to do. I am in the angry stage but keeping occupied at work and getting aggression out at the gym. I have been searching for a church home but have been unsuccessful. There is a local one with a divorce support group I may go check out.

I feel betrayed, hurt and cannot believe the love of my life could turn into such a monster. I can't imagine her running off with such a lowlife, and find it hard to accept he may be involved with my kids. This is something I am going to fight hard to stop him from being able to see them. I feel a mother is usually the protective one.

I go through phases of missing her and not caring. Being separated has only made me miss her more. I want to tell her so badly but can't allow myself to do that. This is the time for space and clarity. The holidays only make that harder.......

[roist]

Forgiveness is hard and your feelings of anger and betrayal are understandable.

Go back to the welcome post and reread about looking at your W as being sick and it's this illness that is causing the "unacceptable" behaviour. That can truly help change your perspective which in turn changes your reaction to it. I am not saying W is blameless but more so she is incapable of better at this time.

Another thing about forgiveness is that true forgiveness is more about the forgiver and not the forgiven. It will lighten your burden if you manage it. Think of it like a child that does something unacceptable like scratching a drawing onto your car paintwork. With children it is important to remember that you are unhappy with what they have done not with.them personally.

It is good that you are using and seeking alternative ways to let out your negative emotions.

Best wishes

[peacetoday]

when my H first entered MLC and I realized it
I read everything under the sun about it

I also sought out a lott of support through 12 step groups and therapy to heal

I choose to practice being there for him
listening and validating and being really there as I felt I owed that to him and myself-

for me this worked because it got me through the crises
I stayed in therapy the full time and I grieved and had a safe place to vent and cry-

at some point I did get to forgiveness-
Today I still wish him the best and hope he is happy
I kept affirming I wish him the very best and his X OW (wife)

I look back and I am grateful
I feel no anger anymore

so my point is go through the stages of your grief, ,anger is one of them

continue to seek therapy, church-gym whatever helps and gives relief of pain

read and understand she is sick..
practice being there for her
Train your mind to forgive her-to wish her well- tFeel the anger and then practice replacing all negative thoughts and let go of the anger-
over and again
listen to Joel Olsteen

If she had cancer, you would help her-right
be your best--doors will open in your favor and all will eventually resolve for the best

[Gordie]

Hamburg

I agree with Roist and Peace

To paraphrase and extrapolate

There is a time for every season

A time for anger

A time for peace

A time for forgiveness

This is not linear

And you may go back and forth

That is all good and part of the healing process

Try different things

One poster here suggested something that was surprisingly therapeutic for me

And something I normally would not do

Get in your car

Turn the radio up to loud very loud

Scream until you cannot anymore

I yelled and screamed and said things I was feeling intensely but was afraid to let out

I even used some bad words over and over again

Get it all out

[Hamburg]

Putting my best foot forward and being nice to her. I knocked on the door when I came over, complimented her and got her a gift. Later she tried to give me a box with remainder of my things and told her it was not the time, nor did I have room in my car. In front of the kids she chastised me for taking a dining table and said I was vindictive. I told her to stop and left the conversation.

I gave her a hug when I left and wished her a merry xmas. She then said my words and actions are different and she doesn't know how to interpret. I said "welcome to my world." I refused to talk anymore and she said I'm afraid to talk, that she is doing fine (as tears are starting to flow) blah blah blah. Kids are in the car watching us. I just said merry xmas and left.

Going to visit family with the kids and have a great time.

Merry Christmas everyone.

[job]

I hope that the rest of day was better than what you had to deal w/when picking up the kids. I'm glad to stopped her in her tracks about the dining table. Today was not the day to be discussing such things. Today is really about the kids and family. Divorce, assets, etc. can wait until tomorrow.

Unfortunately, she is having to face the consequences of her actions and she's not a happy camper about it. There will be many more tears before it is over and done with...but you need to stay the course and not take her bait.

I hope that you and the kids had a great Christmas.

[peacetoday]

H

You did great

I think you are getting it

at first she will be confused--when she sees anger replaced with kindness and patience and strength
she is giving you practice- practice that will be very valuable for you for your future
and character traits that can be earned no other way

[peacetoday]

one more thought

when the LBS is angry even if justified

the MLCer can easily justify why they chose to leave--

when the LBS is kind and happy and supportive
it makes them think

I believe they remember this-even if unsaid
and everyone else (family and friends) also see it-

[Hamburg]

The family has seen it for some time now. Her parents (divorced but friends) are visiting and want to see me, much to the W disappointment. She put up a fight but they told her they would see who they want. They have also expressed their thoughts to her regarding the situation and are not supportive. I love them dearly.

I have to say it's a catch 22 for me. To look at someone who has done what she has done to me makes it easy to be crude and angry in return. Being nice is hard but i see the benefit for me, not only for this but for my life in general. It's harder in terms of thinking niceness will make her think I approve of everything, which I don't.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Hamburg

To look at someone who has done what she has done to me makes it easy to be crude and angry in return. Being nice is hard but i see the benefit for me, not only for this but for my life in general.

Very true. Being nice is a huge benefit to you. You can really rise above, you are presented a fantastic opportunity to be a better person.

It's harder in terms of thinking niceness will make her think I approve of everything, which I don't.

I understand. I see and shared your reasoning. This is manipulative in nature, trying to be or act to alter her outcome.

Look at what you just said:

...i see the benefit for me, not only for this but for my life in general.

That is the reason right there. Don’t worry about, or think, that she may believe you approve of her, she can do that no matter what you do. Keep the focus on you. Be better for you.

Of course, to be honest, we are all manipulating, leading, guiding, this to some extent. Being the lighthouse, being nice, kind, forgiving - is for you. It also has the affect of helping her. See things as more of showing her a better path, instead of condoning her current path. Again, that is your viewpoint, how she see things is on her, and you cannot control how she views your actions.

You are doing very well, and are seeing the benefits, as well as the catch 22 of this.

Hamburg, let go of the other side, let go of the circular logic, and be the best you will be - for you.

DnJ