My baking is done, my shopping is done. My cold supper buffet is prepared for after church, and I find myself reflecting on Christmas, my family, and H. The kids and I will be heading out for church soon. H will not be joining us. I asked a few weeks ago. And S21 asked a few days ago (I didn’t put him up to it!). He refused. This is the first time that H has not attended services on Christmas Eve with me in 28 years. He used to joke that he became a C & E Catholic….Christmas and Easter. I did not ask his reasons for not attending. But I do wonder. Does he feel unworthy? Hypocritical? Is he becoming an atheist? I continue to pray that he is able to discover and accept God’s Grace and forgiveness for his choices, so he can begin to heal. Maybe in God’s plan it’s not time yet.
I am thankful I have rediscovered my faith. I believe that’s why I feel mainly at peace, and I’m able to live a mostly content and fulfilling life. I want that for H, with or without MR. He will be here tonight into tomorrow. I plan to just be me, content, happy my kids are with me, and at peace. I realize it won’t be an act, because I am those things. Perhaps H will want a part of the peace, and it will ignite something within him. I hope so for his sake. But, I’ve chosen to give it up to God.
If you are hurting tonight, I pray for your healing. If you are anxious, I pray for your peace. Christmas reminds us of God’s grace, mercy, endless love, and the birth of new beginnings.
