I am basically through this. But i am not indifferent yet. I dont want my ex back. Hes not a good person. But if i was truly indifferent, i dont know that i would still be on these boards. That i would still be googling "psychology behind men that leave thier families". That i would still be enraged when reading newcomers and CL.
My ex discarded me. In a cold way. There was never any doubt or attempt to reconcile or jealousy or temperature checking. He was gone. The only time he looks upset or teary eyed is when he gives me the child support check. And he does everything to avoid paying extracurriculars. . I actually have had episodes of anxiety and fear cause i would not put it past him to hire a hitman so that he wouldnt have to pay child support. Like when i hear stories of men like scott peterson and that hockey player that hired a hitman that killed his wife, i actually think of my ex. Hes not a violent person. But hes a guy that felt entitled to lead a double life. He views me as a mistake he made and regrets cause i hold him accountable.
I remember when i was pregnant with my son. We got into a fight because i was trying to hold him accountable. I was mad at him because he had these really expensive football season tickets. He would go on a sunday and use up vacation days the following day to sleep in. (I missed one day my entire pregnancy amd worked right up to 2 days before i went into labor because i was trying so hard to save all my sick and personal and vacatuondays to use after my son was born. Im a physical therapist. My job is physical)
Furthermore, he would rent a suv so that he didnt have to tailgate in his bmw at the time. I was mad about him spending money. And i was mad that he wasnt setting up a nursery. At that point i was nearing the end of my pregnancy and not really wanting to get out of the bed. Anyway during the argument, he took the book out of my hand and threw it at my stomach. That was the only time he was ever violent and it was a paper back book. But very symbolic. He obviously hid a lot of hostility for me. He even used the fact that i tried to throw him out back at me years later after BD.
But heres the thing. In front of the nurses during my delivery he was all teary eyed. In front of lawyers and his mom he got all teary eyed when i suggested he take son one evening a week (as if i had been alienating him that whole time and he was so grateful)
My son, who had seemed so resilient was talking to me about how sad this divorce makes him. He said he cant talk to his school pyschologist because he sees her on a day that its a long stretch till his next meeting with his dad and thinking sbout it makes him sad.
What he doesnt know is that its not divorce. Its his dad. His dad does not want more time with him. His dad seems him 1x a week for 1.5 hours and then picks him up saturday morning and drops him off sunday evening. Thats only if his mother is there. If not, he cannot take my son overnight. Hes not a deadbeat. Hes not really a disney dad. More of the bare minimal dad. He saves face to the lawyers, his mom. And i guess his friends and girlfriend this way, but really has very little accountability.
My 4 year old nephew was asking my son where his daddy is. My sons response was "he left and lies a lot and my mom had to divorce him" my nephew asked if he loves him and my son said "yes. Of course". (My son has no filter. And maybe this is why ex doesnt bring his girlfriend around son that much lol)
I just hate who my ex is as a person. My son deserved better. So did i. And im still mad about it.
