Thanks for the advice, and good thoughts. I’ll try to tackle as many points as I can in this space.
Yes, I’m a teacher—wasn’t my first choice as a career in SoCal, but I’ve made the most of it, and have done really well, for the most part. Been doing that for about the last 4.5 years. It can be incredibly isolating, but I know what you are saying about the GAL—it can help me so much with that loneliness, but also the loneliness I feel now. I try to keep really tight boundaries with my students (especially my female students), and I’m not exactly chummy with colleagues (partly by chance, partly by choice, especially with respect to female colleagues about my age—despite what I’ve talked about recently, I don’t exactly pal around with the honeys at work, and I certainly don’t have their phone numbers). I’m not exactly interested in the term ‘work wife’—to be frank, I hate that term. I only have one W, and she is at home. Don’t need or want another, especially with respect to temptation, but also don’t want to give the wrong impression to others.
Last night, I ordered 3 books—NMMG, The Art of Seduction, and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F. They should get here while I’m out on break. Yeah, they’re being sent to our townhouse—good thing I’ll be home during the day and can get the mail. What I do need to do is get with other guys. I’m Catholic, and a lapsed member of Knights of Columbus. What I should also look at to keep myself balanced is look into men’s groups in general—faith-based, or otherwise. In my life, I’ve had friends of my different religious (and non-religious) traditions.
I have read a similar book to NMMG—No More Christian Nice Guy. A friend of mine gave it to me before I went off to grad school. I read it, but didn’t really internalize much of it. I’ll have to look to see if I kept it. I am looking to eliminate as many of the NGS tendencies as I reasonably can. I also realize that there are some things about me that I can’t totally change—some things are hard-wired in. But I’m not going to use that as an excuse not to try. What I’d like to change about myself (at least as much as I can):
*Stop over-apologizing *Stop over-explaining *Ask for what I want, directly *Eliminate covert contracts *Not letting the little things bother me as much—trying to let them roll of my back, instead of letting them build, and either get angry about that or about something else (passive-aggression) *Don’t be such a doormat (this one is the hardest)
I’ve been trying to validate better today. I’ve read on the threads about asking her a question about the last thing she said. Also, trying the whole “you know what, you’re right.” “You know what—you’re right. I should have parked the cart over there instead”—that was earlier today.
I do hope distance makes the heart grow fonder. I’m out in the living room right now—she’s in MBR, as she just fed YS. Honestly, we don’t spend all that much time together—each of us is usually with one of the kids. We share meals and the same bed, go to the grocery. But no dates, except last night. And there won’t be any more of those for....a while.
I’m trying to pour myself more into the kids, and into my work. I’ve learned long ago to not get too disappointed with her being away for work. I’ve come to a certain acceptance about it. I also think that that is why it is ludicrous she considers separating—she really thinks that I’ll be available at the drop of a hat to take care of the kids so she can go God knows where and for God knows how long? If it gets that far, I can’t let her cake-eat, and I hope to develop the strength to prevent that. Other men will be cool with picking up the slack around the house and / or with the kids if she has them? Yeah f***ing right.
Speaking of W and work.....she was in training to be a federal agent. Emphasis on ‘was.’ She passed her interviews and did all the paperwork. The only thing left was to get in shape, so she worked out like a mother and got in really good shape. Last fall, she took the physical fit test, and had an asthma attack. Exercise-induced asthma. Which is technically disqualifying. She filed an appeal, got a doctor’s note, and she was given a second chance. But the Feds could have been total jerks (and totally justified) in denying her appeal and saying s***s to be you. She was supposed to take it again in January or February, but then being pregnant changed all that. Of course, she blames me for the pregnancy, even though she was all hot-to-trot for wanting sex pretty much whenever she wanted it, and I’m pretty sure she enjoyed the journey to getting pregnant. But, in her eyes, it’s still my fault, and pretty much always will be. In that sense, she needs to grow the F up and realize her part in all this. What I also remember is that a couple of years ago she got in really great shape to do a fit test, and then she totally let herself go and picked up some weight—she wasn’t incredibly fat, but she looked plumper and out of shape. She could have done this sooner (a year or two earlier) if she didn’t let herself go like that. But whatever, not the boss of her.
The potential EA? W is a federal employee, and there are numerous regional offices of her branch of the government. This other guy works out in what is known as the Inland Empire in SoCal—we live in coastal Orange County. Basically, it’s kinda far, but it’s not exactly that close—it’s a drive even on a good day. She met this guy on a training a few years ago and they texted A TON, which p***ed me off to no end when she came back from her trip. At first, I was all NGS and didn’t say anything, but finally I said something. I asked her to cool it with respect to the texts. I also tried to use reason and logic and appeal to empathy (fatal error I know)—“if I was gone for 4 weeks and some young, hot thing was blowing up my phone, how would you react? Would you like it? No? Why not?” However, the friendship has still maintained, and she told me some time ago that she needs that relationship for work. I know, sounds like lies. I trust her and am not going to blow up the marriage over it. But I’m also not going to (and probably never will) be okay with this guy being a part of her life—always kinda looking over my shoulder. And I know that for DB’ing, I shouldn’t—I shouldn’t care because I know I’m a total prize and will make myself a prize that if she can’t see it, someone else in time will. I remember her telling me about this guy at various points—according to W, how he was married to a psycho b****, how he cost himself a chance at promotions or work trips because he couldn’t stand up to his then-W, how he never left his IE bubble (sure his family is there and it helps with childcare, and I get having a certain comfort level). But I told W, when she would tell me this stuff, that he sounds like a f***ing idiot or a f***ing loser and what exactly is his deal God this guy sounds so stupid. And then I read in TDR and here on the forums about people affairing-down. If there is anything to it, this sounds like a classic case. I don’t have much evidence of an A (either PA or EA; but if there is OM, I would bet it is an EA and that this guy is the guy). Back in the spring, W made a comment to me about hey let’s look at the phone bill (phone bill is one of the few bills in her name) and see who we text the most besides each other. I should have totally taken her up on this. “Lots of texts to the 909 / 951, huh?” I also recall asking her a long time ago that if she needs to text this guy so much, she really should do it on her work phone. Apparently not. She’s an intelligence employee, so I’m sure that if there ever was or is something going on, I’m sure she could try to hide it—all sorts of covert messaging apps (ones that she’s told me about, and I bet there are others she hasn’t).
She totally seems like there is at least some PPD going on—but I’m not going to push her on it. I’ve said it before—if things are really all that bad (with me, or with PPD, or anything else), she needs to be in front of a professional every week or two. Haven’t seen evidence of that. It also wouldn’t surprise me if the lack of sex is at least post-partum related—she breast-feeds YS, and I’m sure the physical contact is a bit much for her. Some Googling tells me that it can be hormonal—breast-feeding can release what is called prolactin, which stimulates milk production but depresses the sex drive. So, who knows.
Even today, I’ve seen evidence of her slightly opening up—her telling me about something funny that Wal-Mart is doing. Sounds like the old her, kinda, for a minute. She talks about opening up 529 accounts for the kids come January, she mentioned today that teachers (that’s me!) get into LegoLand for free, so we’d have to plan out when we go, and I hear all this stuff—and what exactly am I supposed to think? I keep bracing for the R talk, or the BD. It’s hard to let go of the ILYBINILWY, or her floating possibility of a break / S. She wants to do all these things as a family but then denies me sex? But then again—BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY.
I do hope to turn this around, but I also really that this isn’t totally up to me. I also am trying to do my best with respect to doing the work—I know I probably come off as disorganized, inconsistent and amateurish about just about everything, but I have to realize that I’ve only been in the forum for about a month. It’s been about 2-ish months since she floated possibility of a break / S. And I know come the fall that she will be gone for 3 months for a training for a promotion—THAT will be a full-on separation, basically. She wants it bad enough, that will be a trial run for her.
But I’m not exactly in love with W right now. I’m not enchanted with her, emotionally or spiritually. Physical attraction isn’t really there—she’s okay-looking, but I can’t help but look around and see a lot of good-looking women (especially with it being SoCal). Sexually? Won’t deny her if asked, but probably be more for self-gratification than a renewal of the wedding vows. Just do and be done, in that regard—walk away afterwards.
It’s really hard for me to want to be with someone who is effectively trying to fire me from my vocation, and in the event that we get around to piecing or R’ing, that will be really hard for me to deal with—but that is far down the road, if at all. She wants her space? Fine. She gets goodnights; kids get kisses, hugs and ILYs.
I know I should be careful saying this, because I know I could easily be wrong about this—I just don’t know how serious she is about all this. I’m sure others will tell me she is totally serious and is playing the long game about this—and they’re probably right. She ILYBINILWY’ed me back in February, and then in October mentioned taking a break....and that’s it. Which is worse—her following through; her spouting off about this because emotions / hormones; or her using threats to manipulate me? All I know is that no matter what I deserve better, though, and that knowledge really helps me on this.
Thanks for reading; welcome comments in the forum.
