LBS dealing with WW (part 6)

[Joe2017]

Hi V!

I have to admit, I’ve never really understood trust on the level that you do. In one post you were able to teach me more about trust that I have known for all these decades on the planet. You are absolutely correct. I cannot go through life chasing after every little bit of information about my XW like the news media.

I do have my rules though. Right now they are really important to me so that I can establish some way to know how serious things are on her end. It’s easy to say things, but harder to be consistent with them. I know eventually the rules have to change and disappear, but that’s OK. For now they are about proving to me that she can maintain the 180’s she did to come back to me. I think these kinds of rules are important when we are basically at a below-zero level of trust. I am not naive going into this. My eyes are wide open for red flags. My ears are open. I’m observing everything. I want to make the right decision.

V, you’re right about our boys not having a say in our R2, but we do have to keep their feelings in mind every step of the way. The challenge is that they are both highly uneasy about this, as they should be. We are taking things slow. It’s the only way this will work long term, if that’s what we want to do.

Journaling:
We have been dating seriously now for a couple weeks. By seriously, I mean our friends and family know about it. We are doing the “normal” dating thing. Going on dates, chatting, etc. I think she was disappointed that there are so many things that I can’t trust her with, but she understands.

She is making a very serious effort to maintain my attention, which is something that was lacking during the majority of our MR. But like I said, it’s only been a couple weeks or whatever. Only time will tell if she continues to think I am the person she wants to be with for the rest of her life, as she does now. We’re in an infatuation period, I think... so of course she is going to tell me that I’m the perfect man for her. I can’t get too wrapped up into the flattery she is showering me with.

Christmas is coming up. I got her some gifts, but nothing extravagant or expensive. Kind of like the gifts you’d expect from a boyfriend of a couple weeks’ time. Lol. I plan on doing a little gift exchange between the boys as part of Christmas this year, but nothing that makes them feel pressure to be a family again.

Not sure what I’m doing for NYE though. I already have several invitations to NYE parties, so we’ll see how that plays out. I’m tempted to go to the parties as pre-existing plans and then watching XW’s reaction. Last NYE was when WW decided to show me that she was with OM with outward displays of their A. We both need to tread lightly, I think.

I have to admit, I am a little bit uneasy about R2 some days. It is mostly fear of the unknown and fear of being betrayed again. But hey! It’s only been a couple weeks.

Things I need to improve on are being less vindictive. When the topic of the A comes up, I often talk overly honestly and it leaves her crying. So it’s a touchy topic because I will say things like “cheaters don’t deserve any of my attention at all” without validating that I can see her efforts to atone for her sin. I am going to have to ease up soon, because like V said, my job is not to drive the karma bus. She’s already been hit with the karma bus, that much is apparent. When she complains about some ongoing logistic/financial issues with OM I just want to tell her to shut up about him, because that’s her problem and not mine. I don’t, of course. I just validate and then act uninterested or ask her what she is going to do about it. For the most part, I resist the urge to “save” her from herself. She has to do that on her own.