Couple things during the week I paid little attention to. One, W picked up some wine for her female boss and another lady friend from work at a liquor store. I thought she might have picked up some liquor for the OM but it was a fleeting thought, quickly passed as it came. Never checked to see. The other thing during the week was my S10 teacher told him he could be off on Friday although my W said she called the school and they said it was a regular school day. When my son asked me if he could stay home Friday all day by himself he said my W told him to ask me. I was like wth, why didn't she tell him no from the get go. I told my son NO and told him not to get upset because he's too young to be staying at home by himself. Also told W my stance on that. Other than that, work out, read a little at work, and come home late, eat, shower, little time with kids and bed.
Its the weekends that put me face to face with W. Friday night came home, she was with MIL ready to go eat. She asked if I wanted to go with them. I said no thanks so she jokingly mimics me and I thought she was ridiculing me. I said don't be weird and let it go.
Later that night, when she got home by S6 was playing with a Christmas tree eraser and asked me to go to the living room where W was sitting watching tv. I went out there and he holds up the tree and tells me to go. He said daddy go ahead and mom, go ahead. He holds the tree up like a mistletoe. He's laughing and giggling and we play it off for a minute and say we would kiss him. He keeps insisting so I had to get up. I'm in the kitchen so he tells W to do it and she tells him, I don't think daddy wants to. I didn't say anything at the time until I see he's playing in the cushions and I told her that's not fair to put it on me. Making it seem like its my fault. Left it at that and played hide and go seek with my son for a little while.
Then this morning, S6 tells W he wants to go on a cruise which he expressed to me last night as well. He's been so afraid of planes so it was a big thing for him to say he wanted to go anywhere and that he'll try by boat. She comes into the living room where I was and said now we gotta go somewhere by cruise and said we could during summer. I said yeah, by summer? Yall can go. She said yall? Why not we? She asked what would he think if I wasn't there. I asked her how would that look if we went on a cruise and where would I be, in a different room? I said we are separating in 5 more months and I am more concerned about how he will feel once we separate and I'm not living with them. That's when I told her that I would want 50% custody and maybe we need to start thinking about legal advice on how to split things for the separation. She was shocked. She said she thought we talked about it and that the kids would stay with her. She said she didn't want the kids to be going back and forth every week. I told her the only thing we talked about was if I needed help that I might stay with her but we both planned for me to move out and I brought up the times she was asking me those questions about the apartment hunting in front of her siblings. I also said because you see your sister going on trips with her ex doesn't mean we are going to be that way.
I don't know if it's DB or not, but I told her I do not want her to use the kids or say things in front of the kids making it seem like its my fault for not wanting this to work. I skirted around the R talk saying its been 4 months and we've not talked about what we needed to do with the kids and in 5 months we should be able to discuss our plan for the kids. She had to leave for an appointment and said she thought I wanted to work it out and now I have a different stance. She said she had needed this time to figure out her feelings and that she was still angry. She asked me if I had a girlfriend and if this was why I had this change. I told her no, I don't need to be in another relationship or see someone else to feel this way. I also said something, taking a cheapshot, about I'm not weak to look outside our marriage. I was a little angry at that time. She asked me something else about why all the changes. I have this feeling inside like I want to let her know I see my faults and I am sorry for them and that I am working to change them, but I didn't. I don't think she deserves to know that unless we are Recon or D. I think those two times will be when I say something, the in between she will have to just see. I did say I had changed to something I didn't like and that I was working towards getting back to the old me.
So she went to get her hair done, then went out with her family to eat dinner and came home earlier. The kids wanted me to watch a movie with them and she was sitting there. She got up and extended her arms out to me, first temp check I've seen in a while. I put my hands in her hands and she hugged me.
I am hoping that it won't get ugly. In the new year, I really think I will have to lawyer up big time. I can't trust her. I can see why people don't want to be with their WAS anymore just from the distrust alone.
There was a list somewhere I saw about things to discuss with spouse when separating with kids involved. Like custody time, and when to tell them. Agreeing on what we need to tell them, etc. It may have been a video. I've watched so many youtube videos I cant keep track. This has been so much info overload.
After I spoke to W and she left, I watched some Jerry Wise videos on detachment, emotional cut offs and watched one where he said just because we tell them we aren't going somewhere, it doesn't mean we are emotionally separating ourselves from them. So it got me thinking wouldn't that at least be a start? Create the space first? I don't see how you can be close to someone and then automatically "distance" yourself from them while being right there. IMO, I need to control the space. Like these weekends, if I wasn't near here I would not have these types of engagements/close encounters of the third kind, etc...
I visited my friend last week with my kids. This Christmas I was going to go to my brother's house for a bonfire, but he wigged-out today. Already told W I was planning to go to his house for dinner but now that's changed. We were not planning to have lunch or dinner at my house. I might decide tomorrow to make some groceries. Yes making groceries is a thing here where I am from
Please feel free to comment or share your thoughts/ideas.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
