Tough! I switch it up regularly, and rarely drink the same thing. Today I'm drinking Redemption neat. If I have whiskey it's usually on the rocks. Bourbon I switch up but more likely will have it neat. Due to the fact I can hold my booze I don't buy really expensive stuff too often. So I drink a lot of Jefferson or Bulleit. Sometimes Knob Creek or Makers.
My regular is bulleit but I also like basil hayden. I used to regularly be able to get pappy van winkle for retail before it blew up into insane cult following.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Makers is for when I’m feeling something really basic. Love the flavor, but a bit of a burn. Also enjoy a Makers and coke, keeping it classy.
What I do love is Angels’ Envy—was recommended to me a few years ago when W and I lived in KY.
All the sweetness of Makers, but very, very smooth. Goes down real nice—more of a special occasion or What The H*** Why Not drink. I wouldn’t dare corrupt it with soda, but YMMV. W gave me a bottle for a Valentine’s Day gift a while back, on my request.
My approach? Depends on my mood—on the rocks, neat, or whiskey ‘bullets’ (like whiskey stones, but obviously bullets—a groomsman’s gift given to me).
The past couple of days have been rough for me. When W first left at the end of October it was almost a bit of a sigh of relief - I wasn't walking on eggshells anymore. I didn't realize that I had been doing that, but her moods were so up and down, and she was clearly pulling away. I wasn't sure what to do to, and I had been running in circles in my heads for months. I was sad and feeling a bit crazed, and crying a lot.
My crazed feeling has left, and now the sadness is just settling in my chest like pneumonia. My heart is so heavy that it physically hurts and I'm still crying all the time. I can get through the day and be productive, but the loneliness and empty place where she should be is unbearable. I do things, I reach out to people, I'm social with my coworkers.
But my person has left me and I'm starting to feel the effects of her leaving. I'm starting to realize that it's not just that I was left...but it's that SHE left me. My person. I get flashes of memories and realize how much I love her. I wonder sometimes if she really knew that. She wasn't perfect and I was not perfect and our life and marriage wasn't perfect. But I loved her so fully, and I know she loved me too.
I know my greatest weakness was I never put myself on the line for her. I never fully opened up and risked an argument if we disagreed. There were times I didn't put her first when I should have. I never rocked the boat, especially when I saw she was struggling. I kept sweeping it under the rug. I regret that so much.
Similarly, she never opened up to me about how she was feeling. I didn't know the depth of her feelings of despair until it was too late. The last period of time for us we each had walls up and we went through the motions of being a happy couple. Those eff-ing walls.
I have to be careful with my drinking, so I'm not having any tonight before bed. Last night I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night after my bourbon escapades. I started having a full panic attack, which is the second time this has happened in the middle of the night. I'm not usually one to have anxiety. I felt I couldn't breath or catch a breath. It's terrifying, and I start worrying what would happen if I had a medical emergency in the house by myself. I know the panic won't kill me, but it's so scary. I grab my book and start reading for a distraction until my heart rate slows and I can take deep breaths. Drink water. go back to sleep.
I had a realization the other week that if anything happened to W no one would tell me. Her parents would never reach out. I don't know that her brothers would, and she's not really in touch with any mutual friends. So if heaven-forbid anything happened I would never be called. I have never cried so hysterically hard as when I had that realization.
The feeling of loss can be excruciating. I like how you explained something that I couldn’t get across, that it’s not the loss of the relationship but the loss of the person that hurts most. Like she’s dying and soon I won’t even know her. She will cease to exist. My time with her on this planet will fade away like last week’s dream. The terror of the eternal abyss, and whatnot.
(What you describe sounds like “rebound anxiety,” which can be mitigated by decreasing alcohol intake. You might still be anxious but it might not turn into a full-on panic attack.)
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Your description of the walls that were between you really resonated with me Yail. I so understand what you are talking about. I knew they were there between my H and I and like you, I didn’t say anything. I don’t know why. Maybe I thought it would fix itself? Maybe I was afraid of what he might say? Ironic, given all that has transpired. I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I have had a couple of panic attacks too. A new experience for me. It is an awful feeling... the loss of control over your own body...the heaviness in your chest... You are progressing through the stages of grief. This stage is really, really hard but it will not last. Keep getting out of bed....be kind to yourself...socialize even when you don’t feel like it...journal...reach out. Forgive yourself.
As Burn said... You are not alone. We will all get through this together. (((Yail)))
Thanks burned and DV. I know this is not a permanent state of being, and that's helpful. I really appreciate your virtual support.
burned, I wasn't expecting a disco vibe before bed. That made me smile
Tonight's song is Rilo Kiley's "A Better Son/Daughter". I rediscovered the song (omg I forgot about Rilo Kiley. Love them) because it's part of Hannah Gadsby's "Nanette" special. (I know, I'm a bit obsessed with her right now. She's my celebrity crush du jour)
"But the lows are so extreme That the good seems [censored] cheap And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through You'll fake it if you have to And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better and you'll be smarter And more grown up and a better daughter Or son, and a real good friend
And you'll be awake, you'll be alert You'll be positive, though it hurts And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener You'll be honest, you'll be brave You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful You'll be happy"
Hey I hope this isn’t against the rules, and I hope you don’t find it weird, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I am very near you IRL and I think we should meet up for a drink or two or three in the town known for its colleges. Yup, yolo, I’m hitting “post reply.”
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
