It’s been a while since my last journal and, yes, mostly due to GALg. Unfortunately, GALg in London in December mostly consists of drinking a lot - Nef, the devil may be in your smile, but he has been on my shoulder, slyly whispering “have one more, go on, you know you want too’. I finished up Thursday and now have two weeks of for the holidays. I am a little relieved as I am not sure my liver (or wallet) could take any more.
I am in a place called Centreparcs with my kids for three days now. For those that don’t know, centerparcs is a chain of holiday villages in the middle of the forest - all centred around an indoor water park. We’ve been swimming, hired bikes for etc. We have just come back from a bike ride and the kids are now both playing on their phones. H drove the girls down yesterday as I had some errands to do in the morning and I joined them at lunch. He left last night as he had an early flight this morning. I wish I knew where things are with us but I don’t. Friendly, with lots left unsaid.
It looks like the ski trip may be under threat. H has spoken with his mum and told her he will not be around that week at all to help out. She is now unsure if she wants the girls all week - I had told her he should be home 2 or 3 nights (as he normally is) but he says he won’t be here at all. She now wants to have a chat. I will be really disappointed as was looking forward to it. I am not sure if he is being difficult but suspect he probably is.
I have slept with the ‘boy’. I do not feel guilty but I do know it was wrong. Not because I felt like I was cheating, but because it was fundamentally wrong. I am not yet ready and I do not have real feelings for him. I do not think he has real feelings for me either. We slept very far away from each other - my H and I (before BD) always touched when we slept (my arms wrapped around him or vice verse). Post BD I use to make myself small so I didn’t accidentally touch him. It felt like that - I didn’t want to touch him in case he thought I felt it was more than it was. It felt dishonest. We have been out together (in groups) since and we avoided one another. I have two weeks off work now so hopefully the awkwardness will have gone by the time I get back.
I am a little anxious about Christmas Day. I am very disorganised this year and feel ill prepared. I have another day and a half to get prepared. It will be very strange.
