I am glad your son found a therapist that he likes and reaches him. You are probably correct in your assessment that he doesn’t understand MLC, or been exposed to it. At any rate, I am fairly confident that his advice to a child will be helpful as it would not really include much MLC adult issues. The kid orientated issues and discussions happen for all types of family splits.
I do see your concern regarding pending custody and possible problems. Custody and chid/Dad relationship are two separate things, trying to keep them that way. Do not let expectation and fear get in and start stirring you up. You are worrying about things that may or may not happen. Don’t fear - if things go sideways you will deal with it then.
As for your son and his letter.
If we knew each other in real life, face to face, by now we would have already talked to each other’s kids. I have explained things to my kids, who are older than yours, and to my niece and nephew (12 & 10). Discussions have gone well. My advice would be along the lines of:
<Gerda’s Son>, I wholeheartedly agree you should write a letter to your Dad. Your feeling are are so very important and writing them down will really help you to sort them out.
Sending the letter to your Dad is an other matter which I will explain in a bit.
When you write your the letter, use real paper and a pen. This is important. Words written by hand on paper are not easily changed or deleted, so make sure it is what you want to say, what you feel. This also takes longer than just banging it out on a keyboard, so it shows how important this is to you.
It might take a few times to get the letter right - that is ok. I actually would be really pleased if you did take a few times of writing the letter before it was finished.
Once your letter is completed, carefully fold it, and put it away. Do not look at it or read it.
In two weeks from then, write another letter. You are not trying to copy the first letter, just write what you want to say. Then carefully fold this letter as well, and store it next to the first letter.
In two more weeks take both letters and place them infront of you and read them. Are they different? Are your feelings less or more intense? You can also compare to how you feel right then when you are reading the letters.
Make a list of feelings that are the same, and if they got stronger or weaker. Also list feelings that have disappeared or are new.
I am sure you will see that some feelings changed and some have remained the same. All perfectly normal.
If you wrote further letters you can probably see that your feelings would continue to change. This is the true power of your letters, seeing what you will feel as you grow.
Now, a letter has a sense of permanence. I would therefore suggest a few draft versions of letters until you settle on to what your stable feelings are. Your therapist would be a good person to read these draft versions.
I do think and believe you should let your Dad and Mom know how you’re feeling. However, I would not suggest sending a letter. Your feelings will change, but those written words will not. I hope you understand what I am trying to explain.
Instead just talk to your Dad.
Now for the difficult part. I do understand your desire to reach your Dad, to try to help him, to make him better. My children had the same feelings and ideas. Things did not work out. Their Mom just got angry with them and quit talking to them or seeing them.
Do you remember my first letter to you? I told you none of this is your fault. Do not forget that.
I do like your idea of writing a letter about your feelings, just don’t send it. The true value of that letter is for you.
A letter about what you did at school, your grades, a game you are playing, a high score, things of that nature - that you can send. Include the fact that you love him.
I am sorry you are gong through this. Are you following my suggestions from my first letter? If so, great! Well done! If not, I encourage you to read it again, those suggestions will really help.
If you like, you may even write to me - it might help. You don’t even need to send it.
Take care,
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
