[neffer]

Then focus in your actions W1. More detach and cut expectations. Keep GAL.

You need to be strong and consistent with your attitude. We know it´s hard but what isn´t?

Keep moving forward W1. Keep DB.

[DavidUK]

Journaling....

WW told me 10 days ago (via text) that the initial pleadings she drew up were in a drawer in our MH

Now, this morning, I went to the drawer to see if the papers were still in there and they are gone. I think she was tidying up the surrounding area and put some more stuff in the drawer that was left out and noticed them.

She knew where they were.

[Wanted1]

W,

You are three months in and believe me when I tell you that you are no way close to being detached.

I have this sneaky suspicion that you thought you would get a reaction from her when she found the papers.

Just remember that her filing for D is not necessarily the end of the story.

I know that it should and will take me longer than 3 months to detach. I think I thought I was further along than I really am. I do want to claim a slight victory in that I believe I am on the right path. The papers being gone didn't send me into a downward spiral like it probably would have done had it happened a month ago. I just feel uneasy. Not shellshocked, scared or full of fear. I wish detaching was a quicker process than it appears to be. I suppose everyone feels that way though!

I honestly did not do it to get a reaction from her one way or another. She told me they were there and that 'IF I wanted to get the 60 day cool down period started, I could sign them and scan and email them to her and she would file them." Notice the turnaround as though it is ME wanting to file? I never got a response from her when I requested her thoughts and feelings on whether or not SHE wanted to file right away. I told her I would not stand in the way anymore and I don't intend to. Set her free, right? So, I signed the papers and put them right back where she left them. I feel like if I wanted a reaction, I would have told her that I signed them. That is something Wanted1.0 would have done probably. Sort of a 'let's see who blinks first' type of a game. I also didn't scan and email them to her as she originally requested. My thought process on this was I will sign what I need to and then the ball is in her court. She is now free to do as she pleases, whether that be to file or hold them for awhile. I am not going to acknowledge to her that I know they are gone either.

I do know that her filing isn't the end of the story. Just another step in the perceived inevitable direction. Part of me feels like she is SO guarded with me on how she feels about everything and is SO determined to not give me ANY sneaking suspicion of her hesitation that she might file them immediately so there isn't any perception that she might still be unsure. I don't know. Need to stop trying to read minds. I guess her filing doesn't mean she isn't still unsure either. We still have to wait 60 days minimum for anything to be final anyway. Things could change after filing, but I have zero expectations that they will.

Journaling....

WW told me 10 days ago (via text) that the initial pleadings she drew up were in a drawer in our MH

Now, this morning, I went to the drawer to see if the papers were still in there and they are gone. I think she was tidying up the surrounding area and put some more stuff in the drawer that was left out and noticed them.

She knew where they were.

Yes she knew where they were because she put them there. I don't think she knew I had signed them yesterday. There's literally no way that she could have known.

[Wanted1]

Well, that didn’t take long! It’s been filed. Found it on the judicial website I have access to. No word from W about any of it. Lol. Her communication skills are so pi$$ poor. Time for GAL all weekend!

[SoTorn]

Good luck! My WW will probably file right after Christmas. I am curious to see if she goes full smear campaign or not regarding custody.

[burned]

Right behind you guys. I hit the end of our 6-month S requirement on the 23rd...

[Wanted1]

Good luck! My WW will probably file right after Christmas. I am curious to see if she goes full smear campaign or not regarding custody.

I’m contemplating answering the complaint and denying “irreconcilable differences” as the grounds and pleading adultery. Not to “get back at her” but to protect myself if she wants to start going against her word on what we’ve already sort of verbally agreed to if this was going to happen. I have 30 days to mull it over......

[DavidUK]

Good luck! My WW will probably file right after Christmas. I am curious to see if she goes full smear campaign or not regarding custody.

I’m contemplating answering the complaint and denying “irreconcilable differences” as the grounds and pleading adultery. Not to “get back at her” but to protect myself if she wants to start going against her word on what we’ve already sort of verbally agreed to if this was going to happen. I have 30 days to mull it over......

As you would rather save the MR, it seems to me that her claiming “irreconcilable differences” is like a burglar wanting to take joint responsibility with their victim because the victim left a door unlocked. Personally, if she's committed adultery then I'd be honest and list that and let her take responsibly for her own actions. I wouldn't trust the word of a WW as they will say and do anything to get what they want, so look to protect yourself and don't leave it to chance.

[Wanted1]

Journaling

This weekend was hard. W and I decided to tell the kids last night which we sort of had a pregame meeting about. She told me that one of her friend's kids that is in Kindergarten came home and told her mom that "X's mom and dad are getting a 'vorce and it's happening tonight." It wasn't our situation she was talking about but it came as a shock to W and then obviously to me when W told me this story that kids in Kindergarten are talking about such things. So, during the pregame, W said we need to assure the kids that they are still loved, that Mom and Dad are going through some adult things and that Mom has decided to get a place of her own so the kids will now have two bedrooms and sometimes they will stay with dad and sometimes they will stay with mom.

I initially told W that I wasn't going to lie to them if they had questions. That if a question is asked, I was going to tell them we need to let mom do what makes her happy. She of course lost it and said I can't say that because then the kids will jump to the conclusion that mom isn't happy with them in this house (well, isn't that pretty much the case?!) She called me a child and that it's so hard to communicate with me, etc. etc. etc. I ended up relenting and told her I wasn't going to say a word. She can do the talking. She of course had a problem with that too but I just said, let's go do it and get it over with.

The talk went as good as could be expected I guess. S3 and D6 didn't really say much. S3 pretty much had no clue what was going on and I don't think was even listening to us. D6's questions were basically asking where the apartment was. D7 started off somewhat excited and then I think she realized what was going on and started hugging W and kind of tearing up. That caused me a tear up too. Not full blown crying but I had tears in my eyes. However, during the talk, W made it a point to say to the kids, "If anyone at school asks you if your parents are divorced or getting a divorced, we are not." Either she said "we are not" or "we are not at this time." I can't recall exactly. I'm not sure why she said that? Thoughts? I mean, she filed December 21st. We were emailing property settlement offers back and forth last week. I don't get why she would make it a point to mention that to the kids.....I'm not expecting it means anything just more or less curious about her thought process there.

This morning we all went to Mass together. There was breakfast after Mass and W told the kids they could go look at the apartment after the breakfast. I drove separately to Mass because I didn't want to go to the breakfast and had no interest in going to the apartment with them. W texted me as they were headed tot the apartment and told me I'm welcome to come over. I responded with "I just don't think I can. Thanks for the invite." I didn't see them the rest of the day. I decided to take a drive this afternoon and get some groceries which was about an hour drive away. As I was leaving, I texted W and asked if I should pick up supper and they could meet me at the house. She said sure. Half way home, she texts me that the kids really want me to come to the apartment. They want to show me it and they made cookies and were already bathed and in pajamas but it was my call if I wanted to go over there or not. If I didn't, she would load them up and come to the house. I didn't respond right away. About a half hour later she asked again. I said, "The kids come first, I'll just come there and eat quick." I got there and the kids were all so excited to show me their room. They had drawn pictures for me and showed me the cookies they baked. We ate and I was there for a total of about 20 min. Then came the part where I had to say goodbye. They plan to stay with W until Wednesday because Thursday the kids and I leave for a vacation I booked about 2 mo ago. They won't see W for about 5 days, so I think its' only right that they spend some time with her. That goodbye was really tough. It hit me what was going on. I held it together until I got outside the building. I couldn't catch my breath. Once I got home as I was putting groceries away I couldn't stop crying.

The house is SO quiet. This will be the first night of my new life where I don't have my kids everyday. It's so weird, 6 mo ago I would look forward to nights where I didn't have kid responsibilities. Now, all I want is my family back together again. Those stupid "why me? what did I do to deserve this" thoughts came creeping in. I tried to suppress them quickly but this just blows. I'm sure tonight will be the worst and it will gradually get better....

On another note, a week ago or so, W texted me something the basically inferred that my DBing showed her that I didn't want her back. That my actions showed her her decision to leave, file, etc. were justified. I didn't respond. I thought about that text again last night as I was lying in bed. Wondering if I would have done something different for these past 2 months would have changed anything. Then I remembered reading a vet's advice on another thread the other day which basically inferred that it doesn't matter what you do, you will always be wrong and/or it will never be enough. I think that pretty much is the case for me. I could have done everything absolutely perfect and I would be willing to bet I would be in the same place I am right now. Of course, W wants me to think differently. Rewriting history trying to now say she hasn't had 2 feet out the door since Sept. Actions speak louder than words, however.

This vacation with my kids is coming at a very opportune time.

[Ready2Change]

So sorry to hear this. There will be other difficult things to deal with, I believe the day that the children find out is the hardest.

Become "Supper Dad" while it is your parenting time.

Now is a good time for you to double down on your DBing efforts as well. Reread sandi list as well as all the links you received right after your first post.


Take stock of what you have done, what you believe is the right thing to do. Come up with a plan and execute the plan.


Sorry again.