LBS dealing with WW (part 6)

[Joe2017]

Thanks neffer. Like Vanilla stated, I'm not Joe2017 anymore. I'm Joe2019 now, and what I want in a woman is much different.

I'm going to do some journaling now since I have so much on my mind:

I know I have insecurities regarding my XW. I'm dealing with them as best I can, the two of us have talked about this. I told her that I am coming from a place of betrayal, and she has a lot of work to do to rebuild trust. She understands and she said she will never stop giving me everything I ask for. It's too early to tell if she will continue this, but in all our years of M I can't remember her committed to anything with this much conviction.

DB is a wonderful gift. I am now able to have R talks with XW and pour out my feelings without being vulnerable or weak. I can actually express my emotions from a place of strength. It's an amazing thing.

She tells me every day that she loves me and that she F'd up her life and our family. She is continually repentant and sometimes I am so blunt in response that she ends up crying. She still picks herself up, tells me that she deserved what I said, and asks me what I need from her. She tells me she was a horrible person, she still is a horrible person, and she is trying to be better because it's what I deserve. I tell her good because I'm a very demanding man now.

There is a role reversal here. I have more WAS in me now than LBS. I don't chase after anything. Sometimes I don't even text or call her. I am a bit of a prick, but not abusive or mean. I just know I can take this or leave this. Certainly, leaving this would be much easier. I think she is much more humble. She shows me great respect now, even more than when we first got married. She constantly praises me and tries to gain my approval. Is she in pursuit? Huh, interesting.

However, in all of our intense interactions over the past couple weeks I really do see something different. Something I haven't seen before even in our first relationship. I'm having a hard time putting my finger on it, but the closest word I can use to describe it is subservient.