Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

I wrote a super long post but I'm tired of writing super long posts that most people have a hard time getting through.

The short story is I talked with my mom for quite a while and I feel a little better. I appreciate and have thoughtful responses to what you both have said, burned and Yail, but I want to work on refining it or at least posting it in smaller chunks so that I don't keep losing people in my thoughts.

I'm also really tired at this point and I have to get up early for my flight tomorrow. So I guess it may even be next week before I get to responding.

In the meantime I think it is important to acknowledge that I think the answer to the question "what am I afraid of" is actually answered by another thing you said, burned - that emotions take time to catch up with reality. And after crying in my car in the dark in the garage, reading the post again, and thinking very hard about what AM I afraid of given everything is pretty bad and I don't really have control over anything at this point, I realize that I think it's that I am afraid of losing my H.... and yes, I've basically already actually lost him, but I haven't actually fully accepted that yet I don't think. I've tried very hard and I have great days where I'm very aware he is not here, but I'm not completely and peacefully letting him go, 100%. And thus I feel afraid of losing more than what I even have in reality.

And that realization is pushing me to consider whether filing may be the answer here. I don't feel like I want it now but if I feel like crap either way, then why not?? At least I will be doing something DIFFERENT than what I've been doing up to this point, which doesn't seem to be helping anything. H is living his life and doesn't seem bothered by NC and is meeting new family members - why do I think any of this is going to turn around the longer I wait? My mom seems to think even if this thing doesn't last with OW, he won't be coming back to me, he'll just be finding the next OW... and I'm starting to believe that too.

Has anyone had experience here or know someone who ended up filing, and then the filing ended up helping them to move on? Along with the legal paranoia I now have, since H has done great at proving me wrong every time I try to give him credit for something, it would at least give me finality on SOMETHING, and maybe the fact that afterward it will straight up be an emotional issue at that point without any formalities left about it, I will feel better about choosing to let go of him if there are no other "barriers" there? Does that make any kind of sense?

P.S. Yail I am planning on focusing very much on myself the next few days. Burned, filet-o-fish is where you lost me, YUCK, haha. But Sprite and ice cream (separately, that is) I am on board with. I did shamelessly go to Whataburger the other day and I've been eating pizza rolls during the work week like every day for lunch. At first I was afraid the stress eating/treating myself would end up in weight gain, but I've actually learned that it's just a good thing I'm eating at this point.