Also I leave for a quick trip with my dad tomorrow AM which I guess might be great timing but with all the anxiety that's come back up now I just feel more anxious in having to take the dog somewhere and go sleep somewhere else but my own safe home and bed for a few nights. I feel like I'm half hyperventilating, like not quite freaking out but taking very shallow breaths and scatterbrained.
You wrote a very long post, but in this moment I need you to only focus on fixing this piece. Anxiety attacks are no joke and you need to identify and implement ways of calming yourself down. This is only about you and this is self-care. He is secondary, and not of your immediate concern. YOU are number 1. Be good to yourself.
For me, I try to be sure I cry a periodically so the tension doesn't build up. I've actually become super-aware of this and made SURE I cry a bit every day otherwise I find myself getting really, really angry. Little releases throughout the day. Also, if I'm feeling super anxious I call someone just to chat about BS (usually mom, SIL, or BFF). Heck, find any way you can to release the tension (run. eat. cry. drive. locate some AA batteries. just don't let it build).
I know these aren't answers. You might not have answers for how to best handle this all. But you can have positive steps to take to make your journey as constructive as possible.
