Sandi's Reflections - Part 3

[Nutcrac]

How can it be overcome later..........you mean with the same W? Like I said, I think there is usually more to the story than just differences in their salary. If the W left the M b/c her H did not measure up to her expectations of more money from his side of the street, I would check to see why he was not drawing a higher salary. Is it his lack of ambition, or is he just stuck in a low salary job with no hope of advancing? Maybe it's not him. Maybe he has a demanding and unrealistic W. Does he want to find a higher paying job and put in the necessary work in order to keep his W? I suppose that would be up to him.

Well, what was the mistake? Did you have a tendency to be lazy, a slacker, failed to follow through with training/education? Did you lack zeal, no passion, no drive to advance? Were you perfectly contented to remain in your current position, although it didn't pay enough to suit your W? What would you need to do to earn a higher salary? Would it mean changing jobs or changing careers? Big difference, IMO. What would be the drawback, and would there be any advantages or benefits, other than more money? These are the type things I would suggest checking out. There is a difference in a guy who won't buckle down and bring home a sufficient paycheck b/c he doesn't want to put in the hours or whatever..….and the one who is doing the best job he can with the qualifications he holds. If he wants to do whatever is necessary to get the qualifications, that's up to him.

Thanks Sandi2. Above details are all good deal of information to understand the dynamics of a woman's relationship wrt money and H in a family. I think I do recognize several faults which i feel led to the downfall of my previous marraige apart from the SSM issues that already existed.

Let me list these so that I can start to learn to address these issues going forward which I already am -

1) Ex used to consider me a lazy person. Yes to some extent I was lazy working from home whenever I wanted instead of heading to office. But the issue was my office commute was extremely far and I had to switch several commutes to reach there everyday. Hence I found more convenience in managing at home. I think this was negative. But I was always on my feet active in sports and my outdoor hobbies. Ex never used to engage in any.
2) Societal Status - Ex considered her community having a higher status than mine and hence her disrespect towards my family was very high to the extent that she was openly criticizing and cutting sarcastic remarks against my family and culture whenever she pleased. Not sure what the solution is for this or if there is any.
3) I am not very ambitious and in fact I always prefer a work-life balance, My job title is fairly good ( a white collar) however not that much as comparable to my Ex status in her job or salary level. Although I supported to acheive what she wanted in life during her entire study times, logistically , physically and emotionally, she became more critical of me as work pressure increased and days went by. (To the point, she called out that my job is useless and I idle my time and hers is a lot to handle)
This made a significant difference as Ex started earning much more than I did and caused a huge drift in our lives.
4) For the SSM issues, Ex was emotionally closed out on me and had major trust issues. At one point she thought I was living with her only for the money she earned and nothing more.
5) I was a bit of a spendthrift, However NEVER neglected her hers and our basic needs and family needs. I spent the entire time from my money for both of us. She just accumulated all her money in her bank account.
6) Her concern was i changed job too many times. I did that for ease and flexibility and also for work-life balance and to an extent keeping in mind the progression of my career.

But my point is, don't you think in a normal marriage at least a majority of the above points are true to some extent?