A familiar story with questions EIGHT

[RR17]

Catching up after being sick for a week. First time in several years. Nothing serious but just a nagging respiratory cold. A few times I traveled out only to be reminded that the illness was not done. Fascinating stuff, right?

W was attentive. She didn't wait on me hand and foot, but she is not that kind. Several times she asked me what she could do for me. There was an honest concern in her voice. I know what she leaks out when she is just asking out of obligation. This was not the case.

We went to my company Christmas party and because of my condition stayed the minimum amount of time. I used the opportunity to squeeze in a few of the HSPTs (none sexual physical touches). W seemed eager to go to this party which was different from the HS reunion that we blew off earlier this fall. This may be due to the fact that W knows more people at my company party.

So here is where I confess.
We had our picture taken several times at the party and I shared the highlights on social media. (see where this is going?) Silly photo booth type pictures where you use props and hats to make silly looks. My audience made their typical mixture of complementary and sarcastic remarks. W had a male friend from the past comment "What a beautiful elf". Okay, I know I posted the picture. The comment is tame and even "to be expected". Still, I take note. A backstory for those that don't know or remember. 5 years ago it was a posted picture of my W that led to her EA. It starts with a compliment and transgresses into pictures and proposed liaisons etc..
So it hit a nerve. I acknowledged it and kept it in a healthy perspective. No fault of hers. (my nature is one of an External Locus, meaning I don't usually fall victim to circumstance. In fact, I tend to take personal responsibility for stuff I really never had control over. The discovery of this EA 5 years ago has had a profound and lasting scar on my being like nothing I have ever experienced in my life. I hate the fact that 5 years later stupid triggers still have any effect)
Next day W had offered to help me generate an invoice for some billing I needed to submit. Morning comes and she is rushing out the door. I asked why so early and she said she was going to her company warehouse to check on an order. I reminder W that she had agreed to help with the invoice. She said ok I can do it real fast before I go. Well, it was not a "real fast" task. If it was I wouldn't need the help. So things start to escalate. I ask "are you even really going where you say". I know, I know.
W in an honest sounding voice explain more about why she needs to go to the warehouse. I listen. I then apologize for accusing her of possibly lying. I explained about the picture and how it had an effect on me and that I didn't like to be that way. I knew that it was not because of anything that W did. W explained that she saw the comment and thought it might have some effect. She explained the context of their friendship (he grew up a few streets over) and as nondefensive as possible how there was nothing. It all seemed very sincere and yes, remorseful. Now understand W is now delayed from her early start to work. Typically an uncomfortable discussion like this would have her racing out the door. That was not the case this time. W did listen to me explain that I did not like to be this way and how I hated being drawn back to this extremely painful time. No defensive excuses from W. No dismissive running away. W was validating me.

I kept it brief because I felt heard.

I also, against the best advice on this great board, told her in the most non-threatening way I could, that I had never in my adult life gone so long without working toward a goal. I said that I thought that I would be changing this sometime in the next year. W validated and seemed to agree. She said that she was taking things day by day and had no plans on working her way out the door. No mention of anything that is still not as she would like it. I stopped just short of saying that I didn't intend to stay in a sexless marriage. W then asked if she could give me a hug. I replied as long as it didn't make her feel uneasy. She said she would not have initiated if she felt it would.

Overall I think it was a very positive R talk. It was not rehearsed or even intended. Both spoke as well as listened. W showed concern and remorse. I felt heard and didn't need to over explain my feelings.