Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

[Gerda]

DnJ and Gordie and other men-who-care! (or any of the wonderful ladies here who have an idea of what works with sons)

S13 had a really powerful therapy session yesterday (finally found such a perfect therapist for him! Strong caring man who understands regression) and thus was quite amazing last night, very real, very centered, talking to me about how his rage was not about school or me but about his dad. He wanted to write my husband a long letter then and there but I needed my computer desperately for deadline and he would not do it in a journal.

My concern is that he was very focused on how his letter had a very good chance of convincing his dad and waking him up. And my other concern is that I am about to hit my husband with his first motion, which is for full temporary custody, and the fact that I have a lawyer. This is going to shift the gestalt in the household dramatically — I think. Maybe it won’t, he is so crazy! But anyway, I am very concerned that S13 giving him a letter like that right now will impede my custody efforts in some way.

And more importantly, I am concerned that S13 will be setting himself up for a disaster. My H could end up writing back something very disturbing and inappropriate, as you have seen him do with me. I was trying to talk to S13 about writing the letter and not sending it, in order to get in touch with his own feelings but without an expectation that he can change his dad. But all I managed was to get him to agree to wait until after the holidays to give it to his dad.

I did tell him as vaguely as I could about my concern about both things. He asked me if he would have to stay with his dad overnight and I said no, that I was trying to arrange for status quo, that his dad would visit him here and see him here or take him out. He said he didn’t want that, and I asked if he wanted to stay at his dad’s place if that happened, and he said, No ,if he doesn’t change and come back to us, I never want to see him again.

So I wanted to know what the heck I should do as far as validating the letter idea but not setting S13 up for a painful reply or interfering with my custody stuff before there is some progress there.

I even suggested, DnJ, that he write to you to ask about this but so far he didn't take me up on that offer.

[job]

Gerda,

I have two thoughts on your posting. 1) I would speak to your son's therapist about the letter and see what he suggests since he is working w/your son. He may be able to give you some insight as to what to do; and 2) If your son is insistent about writing the letter, then let him write it and put it in an envelope for a bit later. He may change his mind about giving the letter to his father after the holidays.

Your s is a young man who is trying to understand why his father is the way he is. He is doing what we all have done or are doing trying to make our spouses see the light. Because your h's interaction w/the children may be different from the interactions w/you, your h may respond a bit differently and because your s is 13, he may have some say in to how his visitations may go w/your h...it all depends on the area that you live in.

Talk to the therapist and see what he suggests. I know you are concerned about the custody issues, but your right now, your son's peace of mind needs to be addressed in the proper manner, i.e., be it writing the letter and giving it to his father or holding on to the letter until after the holidays.

[Gerda]

Thank you, Job! I did write to the therapist to ask, and also to my lawyer, but I wanted to ask here because neither of those people truly understands about MLC. I just wrote to them this morning so I don't know their answers yet but will report back.

But Job, do you think it's best, once I understand about the custody impact, that I just let my S do whatever he wants to do, even if it causes problems with either my battle or just for my S's sorrow getting a potentially crazy letter back? I think I am most of all scared that my S is right and that my H will start trying to get back into his life after getting the letter. I think this would be a very dangerous thing for right now. He is deep in MLC and is a horrible influence on both of my kids and I am afraid of what he will say about me to them, disrupting the shred of peace I have with them after all my intense efforts. Every time he has tried to get close to them it has been in that very damaging and dark way that I have posted about before.

Or do I just assume that even if my H does try a little, that it won't matter because eventually he will disappear as he has been?

[peacetoday]

Hi

I think Job gave some great advice


13 is such a tough age-
He has you and a good therapist-
I know it is hard to see them hurt- and in pain
sounds like he is working through his grief process-


What seemed to helped my situation when H left
D was 11
Girls are different- but she was ok letting go- and having me
I would sit on the edge of her bed and just talk/listen to her everynight-

today we walk everyday and we talk for 30-45 minutes

MY s was 5 when H left-
So it was different
I don't think my S really had time to bond with him

I know it is hard to sometimes trust and have the faith especially when we go through situations that seem
difficult with no real solution or answers- and watching our kids struggle is so painful to see-
sometimes we just have trust to let go- trust you will know-trust he is ok
pray and meditate and you will be guided

[job]

Gerda,

I still think you should wait to hear back from the therapist. He is the one that is working w/your son at the moment. He will be the one to gently listen and help him work through his emotions/feelings.


Gerda, try to remember that you can't control your h or your s when it comes to their relationship. Yes, you can gently guide your son, but there will be a time that you need to step back and allow your son to decide what is best for him when it comes to a relationship w/his father. That may be discussed in a session w/his therapist sooner rather than later.

You have nothing to fear, but fear itself. You have to trust that the system will work and have faith in the man above, as well as in yourself, your son's therapist and your lawyer to do the right things. I know that it looks bleak at the moment, but there are times when you have to just let go and allow things to progress and if he needs you, he knows that you will be there for him.

[marina7]

Gerda,

From mom to mom,

We must let our children see for themselves.
And all we can do is hold our kids when our Mlcers
F there head up.

Our story is so similar from Monsters MLCers
our kids. Is a horrible nightmare I would never want
this pain for anyone.

Unfortunately we got to let our kids see for themselves
Kids are not kids forever your S will grow up to be a Man
oneday and remember who stood by him.

This weekend a incident happen that my s9 is so depress
the teacher even called me and her words s9 is not himself is
Concerning. I replied yes I know I unfortunately can't ask questions
Why, what happened or other questions when going through a custody
battle.

S9 had beautiful long hair on the top. The New style
Man Bun. W always hated boys with long hair. So this
weekend W told s9 cut your hair. While s10 was getting a
haircut. W proceed to praise s10 how handsome he looks
S9 said ok just a little bang. Guess what in Spanish W tells barber
something am guessing cut it all off. And boom s9 hair gone.

When I pick s9 up. His head was down. I seen the fear
I ask what happened W quickly said he ask for it. I was in all
Shock but I also know W wants a reaction. Yes the old me would have
Yeld. I just said lets go. But inside I was boiling. S9 starts crying
I look ugly. I hate my life. I can see W is mentally breaking him down.

It scares me that s9 could hurt himself he has before said he wants
to die.

And unfortunately the child system [censored]. I try to explain
to GAL and lawyers I look like am the over barring parent.

Is sadden me that the doctors or lawyers don't see how MLCERS
could devastate our kids life. Without us LBS looking crazy.

All we can do is keep getting our kids support from
Therapist, kids divorce groups, church and school involvement.

My heart are with you Gerda, as I know all we doing is protecting
our kids.

I am here to vent. Wish I knew everyone social media so we can connect
Face to face.

Remember One day at a time.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I am neck deep in another ice melt. Have to sleep in hotels again. I will try to answer later, if not to tried.

DnJ

[Gordie]

Gerda

My D wanted to do what your son wants to do

But she was older

So this is the advice I gave

Feel free to write the letter but do not give it to mom

Letters last a long time and people can read them over and over again for years

Situations change but letters stay the same

So if you want to write things down to clarify things for you

And you feel you need to communicate those feelings

Then have that conversation in person and not in writing

Therefore he has the chance to communicate

But the letter can not be used against him or you

By the way my D tried that conversation

It did not end well

But she tried

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I am glad your son found a therapist that he likes and reaches him. You are probably correct in your assessment that he doesn’t understand MLC, or been exposed to it. At any rate, I am fairly confident that his advice to a child will be helpful as it would not really include much MLC adult issues. The kid orientated issues and discussions happen for all types of family splits.

I do see your concern regarding pending custody and possible problems. Custody and chid/Dad relationship are two separate things, trying to keep them that way. Do not let expectation and fear get in and start stirring you up. You are worrying about things that may or may not happen. Don’t fear - if things go sideways you will deal with it then.

As for your son and his letter.

If we knew each other in real life, face to face, by now we would have already talked to each other’s kids. I have explained things to my kids, who are older than yours, and to my niece and nephew (12 & 10). Discussions have gone well. My advice would be along the lines of:

<Gerda’s Son>, I wholeheartedly agree you should write a letter to your Dad. Your feeling are are so very important and writing them down will really help you to sort them out.

Sending the letter to your Dad is an other matter which I will explain in a bit.

When you write your the letter, use real paper and a pen. This is important. Words written by hand on paper are not easily changed or deleted, so make sure it is what you want to say, what you feel. This also takes longer than just banging it out on a keyboard, so it shows how important this is to you.

It might take a few times to get the letter right - that is ok. I actually would be really pleased if you did take a few times of writing the letter before it was finished.

Once your letter is completed, carefully fold it, and put it away. Do not look at it or read it.

In two weeks from then, write another letter. You are not trying to copy the first letter, just write what you want to say. Then carefully fold this letter as well, and store it next to the first letter.

In two more weeks take both letters and place them infront of you and read them. Are they different? Are your feelings less or more intense? You can also compare to how you feel right then when you are reading the letters.

Make a list of feelings that are the same, and if they got stronger or weaker. Also list feelings that have disappeared or are new.

I am sure you will see that some feelings changed and some have remained the same. All perfectly normal.

If you wrote further letters you can probably see that your feelings would continue to change. This is the true power of your letters, seeing what you will feel as you grow.

Now, a letter has a sense of permanence. I would therefore suggest a few draft versions of letters until you settle on to what your stable feelings are. Your therapist would be a good person to read these draft versions.

I do think and believe you should let your Dad and Mom know how you’re feeling. However, I would not suggest sending a letter. Your feelings will change, but those written words will not. I hope you understand what I am trying to explain.

Instead just talk to your Dad.

Now for the difficult part. I do understand your desire to reach your Dad, to try to help him, to make him better. My children had the same feelings and ideas. Things did not work out. Their Mom just got angry with them and quit talking to them or seeing them.

Do you remember my first letter to you? I told you none of this is your fault. Do not forget that.

I do like your idea of writing a letter about your feelings, just don’t send it. The true value of that letter is for you.

A letter about what you did at school, your grades, a game you are playing, a high score, things of that nature - that you can send. Include the fact that you love him.

I am sorry you are gong through this. Are you following my suggestions from my first letter? If so, great! Well done! If not, I encourage you to read it again, those suggestions will really help.

If you like, you may even write to me - it might help. You don’t even need to send it.

Take care,

DnJ

[marina7]

DnJ,

Amazing how you put words down.

I love that Idea for the letter.

And another thing I would say is
When S is writing the letter
For S not to write it when Angry

That's one thing therapist did say
When trio's write down feelings
Letters or pictures not in anger.

But kids therapist did say in my office
We will write your angry letters


Because in our case Gerda with child custody
The judge could request these letters and H
Can't say W manipulated the letters these letters are
Coming straight from S therapist.

Yes is scary because we not sure what our kids
Are writing but if we as the stable parents are doing
Good trust me S is going write amazing things.

Put your Trust and faith in God. All this must happen
Those letters might help your case.

We LBS got this.