Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

[Gerda]

DnJ and Gordie and other men-who-care! (or any of the wonderful ladies here who have an idea of what works with sons)

S13 had a really powerful therapy session yesterday (finally found such a perfect therapist for him! Strong caring man who understands regression) and thus was quite amazing last night, very real, very centered, talking to me about how his rage was not about school or me but about his dad. He wanted to write my husband a long letter then and there but I needed my computer desperately for deadline and he would not do it in a journal.

My concern is that he was very focused on how his letter had a very good chance of convincing his dad and waking him up. And my other concern is that I am about to hit my husband with his first motion, which is for full temporary custody, and the fact that I have a lawyer. This is going to shift the gestalt in the household dramatically — I think. Maybe it won’t, he is so crazy! But anyway, I am very concerned that S13 giving him a letter like that right now will impede my custody efforts in some way.

And more importantly, I am concerned that S13 will be setting himself up for a disaster. My H could end up writing back something very disturbing and inappropriate, as you have seen him do with me. I was trying to talk to S13 about writing the letter and not sending it, in order to get in touch with his own feelings but without an expectation that he can change his dad. But all I managed was to get him to agree to wait until after the holidays to give it to his dad.

I did tell him as vaguely as I could about my concern about both things. He asked me if he would have to stay with his dad overnight and I said no, that I was trying to arrange for status quo, that his dad would visit him here and see him here or take him out. He said he didn’t want that, and I asked if he wanted to stay at his dad’s place if that happened, and he said, No ,if he doesn’t change and come back to us, I never want to see him again.

So I wanted to know what the heck I should do as far as validating the letter idea but not setting S13 up for a painful reply or interfering with my custody stuff before there is some progress there.

I even suggested, DnJ, that he write to you to ask about this but so far he didn't take me up on that offer.