Thank you for all of your wisdom and kindness. I think the comments on this update have been the most helpful to me personally, but maybe it is just reaching a certain state of hearing what you want to hear, or being ready to hear what you are told.
I apologize for the red-herring tax discussion on the capital gain. I don't give a squat about the capital gain. I've already talked to my accountant. It is an individual thing and he wouldn't qualify. I simply used it to him as a reason to reach an agreement to sell prior to a late summer court date, and missing yet another market opportunity. If we go to trial I will be awarded the house and have to eat all the fees when it comes time to sell. I am worried about where the real estate market is heading. I did tell him that he will need to get independent tax advice on whether he qualifies since it is an individual thing. Enough about taxes.
I sent my attorney an email last night summarizing the conversation and a few of the things he said. Then I really thought about whether I could keep doing this and start over with a reluctant divorcer two and a half years from now. I can't. I wrote him an email this morning. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea to put it off. That we would be back to the same place. I told him that I was worried about the significant change in his appearance and how all of this being unresolved was affecting his health. I told him I didn't want him to think of me as the source of strife in his life and that I want him to be happy. I told him that I really do want to sell the house and move to an apartment for son's last couple of years as I plan to leave the area as soon as he is done. I told him that I want him to come up with a set of numbers that will allay his concerns about the security of his own job and his ability to fund his own retirement. I also told him that I want us to end this in a way that will ultimately make our children proud.
In reality, I have six tough years ahead. After that, I have plenty of retirement and will have enough from the sale of the house. I will take KML's suggestion and take the pay-out of all of the equity in lieu of alimony and ask for only enough child support to get both kids through college. In theory, all of this should be good. It should get it done. But I have never believed that his reluctance has anything to do with money.
My lawyer then called me and I filled her in on what happened, and one detail I omitted in my write-up here. He was here for 3.5 hours. As he was leaving, he had to go to the kitchen to throw something away. He grabbed the island, and held onto it. He was looking across to the living room where my beautiful Christmas tree stood with the children's presents wrapped below it. To his left was the hearth with the stockings they've had their entire lives. Straight ahead of him was the amazing view we have of water, mountains, and the major city we live near. He held onto the island for what was at least two minutes, and tears rolled down his cheeks. I looked away so as not to embarrass him. He then quietly walked down the steps and left.
Before she could comment, I also told my lawyer about the email I wrote him. I told her that I need to be done, now. I told her that I don't care about the money. I have enough. I just need to be out of this situation once and for all. She told me that she was very impressed by my email to him and then sometimes people need to be lead. She said that because he was able to come to the house and look me in the eye after 1.5 years and stay as long as he did, that she is more hopeful that we can reach a "normal" resolution. She reminded me that I have always been his rock. I have always made the big decisions, until not long ago, I made the money. I carried the burden of our family's success. Not only does he have that burden now for our family, he has it for OW2 and her 3 children as well. I told her about the crazy, all the lies (there were much more of each than what I documented). She said with my willingness to leave the house and take significantly cheaper lodgings, that this might be the catalyst to free him.
I will say Job, that part of what I said to him was that I had tried to be strong for the children and for him. That I had hoped that he would work through the things he was going through, and that I realized that maybe, the person he is now, is the real person. I told him that was OK. What mattered is that he is happy with who he is, how he conducts himself, and how he treats others. I told him I wanted him to be his authentic self, even if that person was someone very unlike the person I knew. I feel that this was as much as I could say to let him know that I had been willing to forgive. I know how you always say they want us to approve of who they are and their choices, and I tried very hard to do that.
My lawyer and I agreed that I probably won't hear from him for some time. That he will have to think through and process what I have said. I will leave him to it. We have an administrative deadline coming up in the divorce, but after that a few months to the trial.
While I wrote what I hoped would perhaps push him along, I said only things that I genuinely felt. I told him that I love him and that it hurts me to see his hurt. I told him that I am scrappy, and that even if things are difficult at times, that I will thrive and that he need not worry about me. I told him that I wanted to leave our marriage with kindness, civility and grace and with respect to all that we had accomplished together. I told him that I could not remain married to another woman's boyfriend and that his OW2 (I used her name) and her children deserved more than that too. I asked him to contact me when he was ready to talk.
