Figuring Out What Comes Next

[DonH]

Dude, you sound depressed to me.

I really don't think so - and while I don't have much of a history of depression, I believe I have had it twice in my life, used medication for like six months once, and I can tell you that how I feel now is not even close to how I felt back then. I'm more indifferent than anything. It's not like it was back then when I really had no ambition to do anything, could not get work done, slept a lot, watched lots and lots and lots of TV in my PJs, etc. That's not at all where I am.

And I'll reiterate - I think the real reason why you are feeling this way is because you started to WANT something, and since that didn't quite materialize, you're back in a slump of thinking you don't need it anyway.

I don't disagree although the slump is more like I felt a couple of years ago before "giving up" when I figured if I'm going to get the same end result anyhow - being by myself - why go through all the pain to get the same result? At least I was no longer feeling crappy from all of the failed attempts. But this is somewhat different as I was having a lot more fun - even though I knew it would never lead to anything significant. I was just thinking about this a couple of days ago - how this time I had a lot of fun and felt pretty darn good for over three months, but now I feel kinda crappy. So is/was it worth it?

I'm still optimistic we'll have a great time on the cruise. It's just a bit odd that I'm going to be with someone for 10 days straight who I have not seen in nearly three months and only talk to now and then. I mean going on even a short vacation for the first time with someone can really be challenging - and telling. It just seems so odd to be distant now and then sleeping in the same bed for 10 days.

I'm also fighting to not become resentful about it. It was totally my choice to ask her and to stick with it even after she started to become distant, but another part of me is like, c'mon I'm taking you on a bigger vacation than you've been on in many years and this is how you act? Even though I know it won't matter when we are together and it will likely be the same as it was this summer where we just have this natural connection, I'm fighting to not feel used - even though I really don't think I am being used, but the feeling is still there.

Yes, dating is work but you do have a lot to offer the right woman, and you seem to enjoy the company of a woman. Don't give up so easily.

Again, I know you are right - about dating being work and not giving up so easily at least. Right or wrong/good or bad, I'm just not used to failure and I guess I don't take it well. I'm used to success everything I do and most of those things have been extremely successful and comes very easy to me. Relationships never have - well not as easy as everything else. I'm just frustrated and like I said, almost feeling indifferent - like whatever, I just don't care, it's just not worth it. I feel like I can't win.

Enough of that... On a far better note, even though I woke up with the same indifference, my phone seemed to be blowing up this AM - what the h%ll is going on with all of these SPAM and robo calls. My Lord. Anyhow, I let a real call go to voice mail and it turned out to be a call for another trip. Honestly, these things like the cruise next month do not come up that much yet here's another one - this time to Europe for a week in April. Same deal as the cruise - EXCEPT ----- before long time readers scream "Oh no, not this again," I do not have to nor get to bring a date. LOL So everyone, including myself, can breathe a sigh of relief - we all won't have to go through the Don needs a date for a vacation saga again. And this is not a cruise nor is it like the couples vibe that the cruise will be - I'll be more than comfortable going without a date as that will be the case of most or at least many of the dozen or so other musicians being hired to go. I've never been to Europe and have always wanted to go. This same promoter from the Netherlands tried to get me and others to do something like this right after my D. Sadly it fell through right after my passport arrived. It's not a done deal yet but it looks promising and I should know in a few weeks. I can't tell you how relieved I am that they are not offering for me to bring a guest - how F'd up is that LMAO!