Dealing with a WW Pt3

[SoTorn]

ST, I believe you will get a lot of vets telling you that IHS is never a good idea.

Well a lot of choices after BD amount to picking the lesser of two evils. We do counsel not to leave the marital home, because it should be the WAS that is inconvenienced by S, not the LBS. The marital home is kind of the castle with the bed in the MBR being the throne. BD is emasculating enough without also ceding the throne and castle to the WAS. That said, with time sometimes the LBS has had enough and wants out to save themselves, and the WAS refuses to leave so the LBS decides to. There is nothing wrong with that if they do it for the right reasons and have allowed enough time to pass that they know it's the right thing for them. I would say "enough time" is 6 months post-BD minimum, closer to a year is better. Anything before that and you're probably letting feelings drive your decisions.

Also the LBS has to keep in mind that the WAS may very well invite OP to live in the marital home as soon as the LBS leaves. It has happened here plenty of times. So you've got to ask yourself- can I live with my WAS having sex in MY bed in MY home with OP while I'm slumming on couches or in some roach-infested apartment? I told me ex I was not leaving the house, period. And I meant it, if she wanted to treat me like crap I would have dealt with that in ways other than abandoning my home.

EDIT- forgot to add, with the above said, I do agree that IHS rarely leads to recon. TXHubby had an IHS and eventually reconciled, but that was because he eventually got so sick and tired of his W's BS, lies and cheating that he well and truly dropped the rope in spectacular fashion. After he did they were living under the same roof but not at all as husband and wife. He had absolutely nothing to do with her, treated her like some scummy tenant he couldn't get rid of for legal reasons. He went out and GAL'd and told her nothing. He lost weight, got his confidence back, started dating and enjoying the hell out of life. Suddenly his W saw what she was missing and begged him to take her back. At that point he wasn't even sure he wanted her anymore!

I understand this. The A and WW's behavior has been going on since March. What is truly considered BD? The ILYBNILWY speech? That was August. WW moved upstairs September 24th. Actual confirmation of affair was October 1st. So Which one of those is BD?

I honestly feel that I can't effectively detach completely while I am with her. I have had some normal conversations not about R and stuff like that, but today was the first day in a while I have said anything about what she is doing in a while.

The thing is that my WW is not going to be inconvenienced. She makes a ton more than I do. She is financially stable as am I. WW doesnt rely on me for anything besides being the father of her kids. Yes she relies on me paying part of the bills, but that won't hurt her at all. Yes she will be inconvenienced by D because she will have to pay me child support. That will happen either way. I honestly just don't want to leave my kids. I don't want it to affect my kids and it hurts me badly that I have to choose between hurting my kids or protecting myself/getting on with my life.

OM lives in another state and is married. OM is her old manager and has to stay in CA for his job. My WW's work barely let her stay here with her job this last time. I already set down the fact that I want to move out, but WW hasnt done anything about it. I guess I will just continue to DB. I advised WW that I would move if she refinances the home. If she doesnt do that I am not going to because I will need the money to furnish a new home. I don't want anything from the house. Its all mostly just decoration and old furniture. I would take some electronics such as the PC and maybe the TV and stereo.

I don't want the marital bedroom set. The mattress [censored] anyway. WW keeps saying that this isnt about OM. Which is BS. Yes we were having our issues in our M. I can truly and honestly say that I did make mistakes in the past. I put my WW through a time where I was not being truthful and not focusing on M, which lasted several years of off and on conflict. I did not cheat, it was not an EA or PA. I will leave it at that.

But WW stayed with me. Three years ago I made a huge push to change myself. I honestly have changed quite a bit. I worked solidly on my R with my kids. I worked on being a lot better listener and actually understanding WW and the kids. I stopped arguing to win. I did a lot of 180's. I lost a ton of weight. I stopped being an a$$hole honestly and focused on being a lot more empathetic. But October 2017 WW got this new job under her OM. I believe that this started as MLC with my WW. D19 moved out June 2017 and my WW started acting odd then. I did have some NGS issues where I would let the wife pay all of the bills, schedule everything etc. This is something she forced on me and I just let her do it. I am no longer doing that and I am paying my portion of the bills separately and controlling my own money.

I am still working on not getting baited into arguments or getting heated. The last argument we had was the one I referenced and I did not yell or scream and actually just repeatedly told her to leave me alone, get out of my room, leave me alone, I will not speak with her when she is mad. I eventually got her to leave me alone but almost had to walk out of the house.

WW is super mad today, keeps texting me saying she wants to move out now. I told her do what she wants, I can't stop her. Told her to stop texting me because I need to leave my phone on for work.