I seem to be feeling a little better. I still woke up in a panic, which may be the norm for awhile. Good sleep has been difficult.
I have been thinking of what to get W for Christmas, if I do get her anything. I was thinking of giving her some cash along with a note along the lines of not forcing love and setting her free and whatnot. But I go back and forth.
I am still kicking myself for the conversation I had with WW this past weekend. And if I should ever get the chance again, I need to remember that my feelings do not matter and that I just need to validate.
Driving home last night following my workout, I thought about how the first 7 months of this, I slowly descended towards rock bottom. Rock bottom being the point where I started to believe that D is no longer a fantasy but something that may take hold. And that once I started to accept that R is not guaranteed I can start the process of truly rebuilding myself (DBing). If things were balanced and fair (hah), I should come out of the other side in 7 months (3 months left). Of course things never work out that way and I may be looking at living and growing painfully through all of 2019 as well. Only difference is that I KNOW 2019 will be better than 2018 due to the changes I have made and the lessons I have learned. I look back with pride and tell myself that I have made a lot of positive changes and have grown considerably.
I spend a good portion of my day on these forums, checking messages, giving updates, and reading and inputting to other folks' sitches. My heart sunk when I stumbled upon a post that said that 90% of the folks who post here end up getting divorced. The other 10% were just fortunate that things somehow started to work out. Is it still considered being attached if I still hold on to hope? Or do I need to let go of that as well?
I also referred to my previous posts and always question myself if there was true progress being made or if I was fooling myself. I know now that it's all one big question mark.
For folks who have gone through this and who can confidently say that nothing is guaranteed, it is something that they had to find out the hard way. No matter how many people told them hard it is going to be, or how nothing was guaranteed, nothing will become reality until the LBS can fully grasp the awfulness of their situation and truly let go. I am starting to believe the same. And that terrifies me. But at the same time, I cannot run away from it like I used to. Because I have done that before and it just made problems worse.
I have D4 and the house to myself tonight. I may bake brownies with her and get an unhealthy dinner. Not sure yet.
