Quote: Once he feels like he's crossed the threshhold, it isn't needed. Did I get that right?
Maybe that means a little time sitting on the couch listening to music and snuggling first would help him adapt to the changing temperature.
We actually spend much of our time together talking...about the kids, the news, whatever. If he gets even an inkling that I want to take it farther than "just talking" he becomes Mr. Chatterbox. It's almost like if he thinks I am thinking about sex, he does everything he can to prevent that from happening...? (Although, now he's reading SSM and says he will not do this anymore, but I am too scared to try him out.)
I was trying to guess at your husband's motivation by thinking about how I respond to things. I guess it didn't work too well - hey, if my wife were to approach me sexually, there's no way I would consciously do anything that might get in the way ;->
Heavy, Here is a challenge for you: Instead of framing your H's reaction in a negative light, how about seeing if you can frame it in a positive light?
That is, YOU interpret his chattiness as a way to excuse himself from sex, or turn you off. (btw, this is EXACTLY what I would think too, but I'm really tryin to knock it off) What if his chattiness could be interpreted as just general nervousness? I think that LD men, in particular, suffer from performance anxiety. After all, the LD wives can offer pity sex and then lay there and think of England as SuperDave likes to say, but the guys have to get themselves up to par and QUICK.
So what if his reaction is just nervousness that he's not going to be able to do that..and since he is working with a deficit of natural horniness, he starts to panic? I know I would be panicking in his place, if it were me. But then you calm him down and turn him on and he is fine. He realizes that he DOES have enough desire in him and everything's going to be okay.
I think that for guys like your H and mine, the thought of disappointing their wives is such a horrific and powerful thing that they avoid it at all costs. So if there is ANY inkling in their minds that they are not going to be able to deliver, they start making all their pre-emptive strikes. Then they calm down a bit and realize that oh, yeah, they can deliver!
What do you think of my latest theory on Mr. HH? Any truth to it at all?
Quote: So what if his reaction is just nervousness that he's not going to be able to do that..and since he is working with a deficit of natural horniness, he starts to panic?
Oh I totally think that's what it is - which is why I agreed with EG's comment about nervousness. But I also think that he uses that nervousness (and thus the chattiness) as an excuse to stay as far away from sex/intimacy as possible. For me, in our situation, the two go hand in hand.
Of course, my response is what I need to worry about, right? So how do I get him to shut up without initiating a long discussion about how "blah blah blah blah does X Y Z"? That is the question I am asking myself.
If he is nervous, and doesn't want to jump right into sex, is there some kind of buffer that you might both enjoy, one that doesn't distract from sex altogether?
For instance, what about snuggling up together and eating some fresh-dipped chocolate covered strawberries, or a backrub? My wife likes me to read short stories to her. Or light some candles or a fire or whatever and tell him you'd like to enjoy being together without the talk. All of these things can be done fully clothed.
You get the idea - if he needs to slow down, take the pressure off, and refocus gradually, but do it with activities that are pleasant for both of you.
This may or may not be helpful. It really is hard for me to put myself in his shoes, I've never had any reason to want to stay away from sex and intimacy, though I've had more than my share of opportunity to do so.
You have some great ideas. Believe me, I have tried this from many angles. He doesn't like the direct approach, he doesn't like the indirect approach, he doesn't like ANY approach (unless HE is doing the approaching). You should honestly see the look of horror on his face if I do something like light candles or get out the massage oil. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad!
Ouch. Excuse my constant male attempts to find a simple solution. This must be really difficult. And I haven't found a solution in my marriage either.
For the most part, any attempt I make to initiate is seen as a crime against humanity. She's now in therapy, and she's become very open to cuddling that's not going to lead too far. Anything passionate, including any kind of interesting kissing, is out. And frankly, I'm not sure I could take passionate kissing if it never leads to sex.
Yeah, it would be funny in a movie. It's less funny in real life.
But she's agreed to counseling, she and her counselor have picked out a sex therapist, and eventually we'll start working on that aspect. In the meantime, I am trying to learn what I can to apply later...
Here's a typically HD male chauvanistic POV (read:trying to fix the problem):
When he starts chattering about the kids, the weather, etc. would it work if you interjected, "BTW, I need to let you know how great a job you're doing with your <fill in the blank with whatever he's using at the moment>. You've got me soooo hot that I can't wait until you start <fill in the blank with what you want him to do next>."? (I'm feeling faint again...)
Mike - who's having some serious blood flow issues today
