WAS or WHAT 11

[roist]

As we head towards Christmas I wanted to jot down a few lines here. Unbelievably this is the fifth one that I am heading into since I realised my M was in crisis and that I wanted to save it. Even though my M is still in crisis, I thankfully am not. So I share a thought for all those LBS's out there having a tough time especially at this time of the year. One way or another it will get better. You can survive this. You will start to live again and ultimately you will thrive if you take the advice given on this site.

The last few years to varying degrees I have wondered if this was my last Christmas together as a family. By varying I mean from almost certainty that it would be to this year where I am relatively indifferent. If it is our last, then it is. It's five more than many here have after BD. So in that sense I am grateful. I am also grateful that I have bought that much extra time for my boys. They could handle a S/D better now if needs be.

I remember two years ago when I moved to the mlc forum, I asked Job and the other good folk if I was doing something right or something wrong to still be in a state of limbo together after two years of DBing. Two years further on i still am not sure which. But I can live comfortably with my decision to stand. One day I may decide differently but I accept the last four years as a choice that I made.

Without this place and other resources I would not have navigated my path in the same way. I have read and forgotten more about R/M in the last few years than I ever knew before. Even if I have not retained a large portion of this wisdom I still have better knowledge than most couples tha walk down the aisle. Iwish I had known more when I got married. I intend to assemble my learnings and thoughts so that my sons will have the tools necessary to make their M's work. I have a few years yet for that but still....

Before leaving I will update on one point that I mention a few times throughout my last thread. I redrafted a letter to my W W outlining how this situation isn't how I see myself living. I acknowledged and thanked her staying although checked out as most WAS just leave and how that cannot have been easy. I outlined what I want in a R. I put no pressure on her to act or reply but just wanted to clearly state my thoughts.

There was no formal reply to the letter nor any major change in comportment (positive or negative).I probably would have preferred some feedback but that wasn't the aim. I saw myself, coming yo a crossroads and preferred to indicate in advance. Raising the alert level as says Michelle. So for me that is done. Ironically my crossroad seems further away than before.
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Other than that I have been carrying on as best I can. Most times I am pretty good. At times less so. But on a deep level tthis journey has changed and improved me. My outer self will shine soon.

I am going to prepare a vision board of my aims and goals for 2019. It will be similar to a goals list but visual.looking forward to doing that.

Thanks for reading and best wishes for the festive season