Oy vey, where to begin. I swear if I did not have to live this stuff, I would never believe that it could really happen. I was on the opposite coast for work and about to fly home. I get a text from Odysseus (I just can't call him my H anymore, which is interesting in light of what I am going to write below). Perhaps OD for short.
So OD asks if he can come the following day to discuss the agreement (you know, the one he has had for 2 years). I admit, I'm slightly piqued, not having seen the man for 1.5 years or so, given the drama he caused at Thanksgiving, and how we are suddenly going to get this resolved. I was blocked for 7 months or so, and I usually only get formal emails. This was a normalish text, he was responsive, and not putting up any hurdles.
I live in an upside down house. I leave the door unlocked and when he rings I tell him to come upstairs. He is five minutes early (good job there, usually likes to keep me waiting). Comes in with a bag. I think OMG, are we actually going to talk about the agreement? Are there papers in there? A computer? A notepad? Maybe even a pen? This is shocking. (When he uses the bathroom I peak--no computer, no papers, no notepad, no pen. Rx bottles, gum, his phone, etc.). Have a normal conversation for about 2 hours about the kids, what they are doing, what their upcoming plans are. Actually seems like a father participating in a conversation.
Then he says, what are we doing to get this wrapped up, it has dragged on for a long time, what do you think we should do. I sit in somewhat shock. I say, yes, I've been trying to wrap it up for 2 years, you've had the agreement, never told me what you didn't like about it. He grumbles about stuff that is not actually in the document. I say, I don't think you've read that document. It pretty much says we will keep doing the same thing we have been doing. You can take that document and the court will finalize the divorce, or we can keep paying lawyers and battle it out. He says something to the effect of wanting to be done with lawyers. I say yes and tell him that I am particularly unimpressed with his. He says he doesn't like him either and has talked to him very little (that is pretty obvious). He says we just have a few things to resolve (shaking my head in disbelief again).
I ask him if he read the letter his lawyer sent me a little over a month ago. He says no. I say you are cced on the letter. He says I didn't see it (he always claims he never said this, did that, etc.). I read him the letter. I say where is the mention of your child in that letter. He says there is no mention. I say isn't that the biggest thing we need to resolve? He says I'm not fighting it. I said you are not fighting what. He says I will take the other weekend, but it will be as my schedule permits. I say who offered you every other weekend? I asked what son was supposed to do planning his life. He says that son can drive soon and come to see him when he wants to. I say that isn't how it works.
I ask about the cars. He says we each keep our own. I ask about retirement, and point out that even though we have a postnup that governs retirement his lawyer is asking for my accounts. He says he wants us to keep our own retirement (he has none, I have lots). I say great.
Then I ask about the house, does he want to sell it now or later. I explain what the court will do with the house if we march ahead to the trial date. He says he wants me to stay in the house until son graduates. I say its fine, I can rent an apartment. He says where. I say in the school district. He says he doesn't want us living in an apartment. I say the house needs to be sold while we are married because of the capital gain issue. I say we need to discuss the equity in the house and the amount of child support and alimony. He never does answer the child support question. He does make it clear that he doesn't want to pay me alimony. I say essentially too bad. He keeps coming back to the house. Says he doesn't want us to move. I say again, the house needs to be sold while we are still married. Then he says, well I guess we need to stay married until son graduates. This conversation makes no sense because he had told me again how much he hates the house, hates our town, thinks the real estate market is going to crash.
We got off topic into lots of the annoying stuff. I let on that I know his living situation has changed, but I don't say where. He tells me the month he moved, which I hadn't previously known. He ends up giving me a check for Xmas gifts for the kids (even though in the past he has always done a bank transfer--guess he really wanted me to see her address on his checks). He mentions her by name once. I say look, I don't know this person, she is crack with a pulse and means nothing to me.
I ask why he kicked me off the Costco card with no warning. He said it was inconvenient for OW2 to have to go with him all the time. I said you could have gotten her a card without kicking me off or you could have said hey, by the way, I kicked you off. He said we have two households, we need to divide stuff. I say great, I'm glad you are moving your auto and life insurance into your own name. Let's see: cost of my new Costco card $0 (my mom got me a card); savings to me from insurance $3,000 a year. Good deal you made for yourself OD.
Relatively early on he tells me that an adjoining state is going to legalize psychedelic drugs and suggests our daughter take them (who is this man?). Of course at this point I know he is using them, as I had suspected, based on reading about them in regards to another MLCer and figuring this is the type of thing that would appeal to him). He waves his hands around and says oh I know you'll never agree with this. I said, you've got that right.
At one point he is talking about his family, who he never wanted any part of. I tell him that my son doesn't want to see them. I point out that they have never been part of the children's lives and never reached out to any of us. He says that it is because I didn't let them in our lives. I say excuse me, you wanted no part of them. I begged you at times to reach out and you refused. He said that is because I wanted it to be on my terms, not yours.
He truly is the teflon man. Nothing sticks to him. Someone else was to blame for every single thing that happened. He didn't do this, he didn't say that. It was the bank's fault, the insurance company's fault, the post office's fault. Our daughter doesn't kiss his butt for paying her tuition. Our son can see him when he wants to. The children have not made him a priority. I say you've seen your son 3x in 2018 for about 6 hours. Was that making him a priority? I say its funny that the kids say the same thing about him.
He said that is the problem with all of you. You can't just leave the past in the past. This is the present, it is time to move on. I say that is what the people who say and do the hurtful things always say. Forget about it. I'm not going to apologize. Just get over it.
Still zero emotion. Acting like his life is so wonderful. He looks even worse than what my son described. I looked at him and only saw his father.
He says he has to leave. I say before you leave, tell me what you want to do with this lawsuit. He says I need time to think about it. I say no. You've had years. You said we need to get it wrapped up. It's your case. You sued me. Deadlines are marching forward, lawyers are expecting to be paid. What do you want to do? He says I guess I'm going to call my lawyer and tell him to make the divorce go away. Then he says we can deal with it after son graduates. More stalling. More excuses. He doesn't want the separation agreement. He doesn't plan to buy any property, doesn't want the house sold. He just wants to keep up the status quo. Then why did he file?
I think this was his entire agenda in asking for this meeting. I know what my lawyer will say. She will say good, this is the best result for you and the kids. But she is not the one who has to live it. I will never, ever be divorced from this man. Oh yes, and he wants more communication going forward (you know the guy who blocked me for 7 months, doesn't even say thank you if I send him pictures of the kids or a comment on their progress--but of course I'm lying he said, he always sends a thank you).
