Gerda: i feel sad. I truely wished the man i fell in love with would resurface. The best friend i used to have. I could see a bit of his old self coming forward and i guess i secretly wished we could have been close again. My reactions caused a blokage. I was working on it. Unfortunately, we are running out of time. There is still alot of resentment and anger in my heart. My present is getting quieter as i was a chicken with her head cut-off for years.. with my 3 older children gone, i only have 1 left at home. My next struggle is stability and financial balance. I do not have benefit nor pension at work. I rely on ex-h for those things. Without him, all of it is gone. I thought about these things when we divorced but it all goes away once we leave this world. I am scared. My views: my choice of being a stay at home mom put a stall on my carreer. By becoming single mom, i chose a job with flexibility for my family over high wage. I was able to secure the children but not myself. Was i foolish? I beleive so. Without his support, i am struggleing big time. My children will have to step it up a notch and be less dependant on me. I will no longer be able to take the afternoon off just to take them do their arons. At least not as often as they are accustom to.
Andrew: i have said many awful things to ex-h. Many of which i have regrets. I am sure he feels the same. He was very narcissistic. His crazy ways were in his mind love language. The protector. I used to admire him and i had him on a pedastal. I felt safe by his side. I felt loved beyound what i could ever imagine. I beleived in him until bomb. Has time passed, i came to realise that this was not love. It was an addiction or an obsession but definitaly not love. I was destroyed. My self-confidence gone. My self trust, gone. My self-esteem and self worth, gone. I was angry. At him or myself? BOTH!! To this day, it takes me days to make up my mind on what to do next. I am afraid of my own judgement.
Job: i cried when i read your kind words!! ((( Job ))). They brought me so much comfort. Prayers!!!! God has never let me down. No matter what we had to face ( me and the children ), we were always fine. Many times in unexpected ways, ununderstandable ways, miraclelous ways!!
We will face this.. we will fight through this and we will be fine..
Thank you!!! Thank you!!! THANK YOU ALL!!!!! Xoxox
