Sandi's Reflections - Part 3

[sandi2]

does the WW feel an overwhelming amount of guilt to the point that they cannot communicate about what is happening

I'm going to try to answer this at face value, then I'll respond to your sitch.

Here's the thing that so many H's can't seem to grasp. While she remains wayward, the WW feels very little guilt. Let's break this down into two parts. Part 1 is before the WW's genuine remorse, and part 2 is after remorse.

First, look at the WW before genuine remorse hits. She knows right from wrong, and the fact that she may not look you in the eyes could indicate that she knows she is/was lying, betraying, cheating, disrespecting, etc. There is likely some degree of guilt, just b/c she knows it is wrong to do these things. But it's not to the degree the H might assume or expect she should feel. The WW's mindset tells her she's justified. (Remember, she has been angry a long time, she just tried to keep it controlled). As long as she's blaming her H, why would she feel overcome with guilt? She may even go as far to verbally tell her family she didn't want anyone to get hurt, and let's be BFF's. The WW looks at it as if the H and kids were wounded in the fallout. Pretty cold, huh? This is not the girl you married. So, the short answer to your question of the WW feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt to the point that she cannot communicate about what's happening...….is, "no". It's not due to overwhelming feelings of guilt.

Now let's look at the WW after she genuinely feels sorrow and regret for her deceit, betrayal, disrespect, destruction, etc. She takes full responsibility for her actions, She no longer justifies anything she did, and she doesn't blame her H for her A, etc. She can forgive her H for things in their past, and she let's go of the resentment. It is true repentance for her, which means she changes her ways. She should humbly apologize to her H. However, that's not to say she will. Is she eager to discuss everything with her H? Probably not. She is dealing with feelings of shame, embarrassment, self-loathing, humility, etc.

like in my case or is the desire to communicate to save what is slipping away make it a necessity to talk with her partner to try and R?

I don't know how to answer this ^^^^^^^, b/c I'm not sure what you are asking. You've said she's always had trouble communicating. This has been a really big problem in the MR. So, now you don't understand why she can't open up and discuss what is happening? Let me tell you like this...…….if the OM is anywhere in the picture...….that cancels out everything. She can't have another guy in her head and desire to save her M at the same time. It's not going to happen.

Here's what I think. You are wanting her to tell you where the MR stands. You want to find a logical reason for why she's not discussing it. You see working things out (in any problem) by talking about it. If there's no discussion, you are lost as what to do. You want her to take the lead.

She has showed a lot of signs that she is coming around but the only convo has come after a few drinks. I'm not taking the bait of whether it's a legit attempt or a drunken Plan B game.

"Coming around" how? Is she still in contact with OM?

When was the last time she had a serious conversation with you, without a few drinks in her?

Are you still going home after work and drinking with her?

You say she tends to open up when she's drinking. What does she talk about? Is this when she gets so emotional and tells you she is sorry for hurting you? Does she remember the next day what was said when she was drinking?

Didn't she ask you to attend an IC session with her? Have you?