Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
It has certainly been a while since i posted, and i just wanted to let you know that I'm doing well.
On the home front things are still good and H and I seem to be able to manage the distance ok.
Last weekend, H joined me as my ship was alongside and i was off for the Weekend. We had such a good weekend, i swear that things jsut seem to be getting better and better. It was almost as if we were just married again....though not quite! We where able to chat about the things that happened this time last year (ie he left me!), but without either of us getting up set. I tell you though, i have sure learned alot, we were discussing my sister and her husband who are currently living at our house, H gets really annoyed at my brother in law and the convo was just making him angry. When he asked me if we could stop talking about it i said suer, even though i was happy to keep discussing it and guess what......i didn't talk about it!!! That pretty good for me, my natural instinct is that i like to finish a discussion fully!!! It can take real effort to stop, but i think the NO R talk has helpped me to learn how to do this when asked!! Yeah for me!
Anyway, one of the reasons that i wanted to jump on was to clear my head of some stuff. For some reason, at the strangest times, the memmories of the pain and hurt just bubble up. Like to night, i'd just got back to the ship from a yoga class, was having a shower and i could almost feel the waves of dispair roll over me. Does anyone else get this? What i want to know is how do you stop it? I could see my H's face when he was telling me that he didn't love me, it was just a whole lot of flashed images of things he had said or done that hurt me.
Truth be told, i still don't think i trust him, at least not with my feelings. The only thing i trust is my ability to cope come what may. I do, though, try to be open to trusting him, but it is very difficult. But then i guess it's going to take time to heal our R.
H is doing very well and he has got a life, so to speak, which means i don't have to worry about him just sitting around the house getting depressed, etc, etc. He has even started laugage classes, so i know that he is really working hard for this.
I think it's time for me to re read DB..... might need to look at 180's etc, just for me!
Anyway, I'm well, H is well and life, generally speaking is good!!
Wise Sage told me that these feelings surface when we are ready to deal with them, so that healing can occur. That healing occurs in layers, like a scab. I know that my bubbles happen at the weirdest times, usually unexpected, and especially when I'm speaking to someone that knows both my H and I... our lives before this hell.
So, know that when things bubble up to feel those feelings, deal with them and heal from them.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
yes...I do believe they come about when WE are READY. So, korms, maybe try not to "stop" them but see them for what they are...signs that you are healing.
And, yah, I can relate...things still bubble up for me, too.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
