Sandi's Reflections - Part 3

[AndrewP]

What is the WW mindset when their transgressions have "come to light" or there are rumors swirling about their wayward behavior?

There are too many variables to give a pat answer here. If she has gone to lengths to keep her transgressions concealed, then having those transgressions brought to light are some natural consequences I often talk about. I won't say for every WW it's the main ingredient that turns her around, but it might work in chipping away at her fantasy. The more reality that hits her at the same time, the better chance of it crumbling her fantasy.

From what I've observed, it mainly goes one of two ways.

1) She and OM are pushed closer together and take on the attitude of "us against the world". However, a scandal can put pressure on an affair.....especially if OM is a well established business man in the community. If OM is M and has children, he might try to end the A, in order to save his own skin. There is certainly no guarantee.

2) It can be the beginning of her fantasy world crumbling. It depends on how important having a good reputation is to her, and depending on how many enablers run to her rescue.

This caught my eye (I'm bored at work right now).

My now ex was horrified at the idea that anyone might know that she was having an affair. I know this from her reaction when I suggested that I would apply for divorce under those grounds. I also live in a small town - village really - and the rumours were certainly flying. The reality was though that most people really didn't care / pay too much attention. OM (presumably) didn't care as he was a widower living in another city. Heck he may very well have been bragging to his friends about this overweight middle-aged woman with anger issues and poor life skills that he "stole" from her poor sap of a husband.

I kept my mouth shut until she was outed some months later well after she had moved out, by one of her new friends. I then had no urge to "protect" her and was then open about the fact that yes, I was living alone and that yes she'd gone chasing after her dreams and his wallet. Even the kids didn't know.

Her reaction has been to pull the rabbit hole in after herself. Even now, well over 3 years out from the start of the affair I still get Christmas cards from her old life friends addressed to Mr & Mrs P that she's left behind. She's been gone 2 1/2 years, we've been actually divorced for nearly a year and even now, she keeps an incredibly low profile going from being active in the community and noisy on social media to essentially being a hermit.

She's lost her home, her reputation, her friends. She rarely sees her children despite S24 living with me a 5 minute drive away. She did go see her D26 this fall for the first time in a few years (with OM) and that was undoubtedly uncomfortable for all. She lost both of her parents within days of each other this past January. OM / current boyfriend I think treats her as a side-piece / casual girlfriend. She lives in her apartment over the liquor store she works at with her incontinent Pomeranian.

She did know that I was willing to take her back even months out and she kept a tight grip on that fact I think. Dragging out the settlement and divorce while still in active pursuit of OM (who while he has some money is no great prize). We had a comfortable middle-class existence including tropical vacations, new cars etc.

I do know that after she left she put out the story that she had only started seeing OM after she left. Her lawyer wasn't happy when I literally laughed at that and my then STBX was so upset she stormed out of the room.

Now she did have some very active enablers. Her wayward brother and sister in particular along with a small number of friends who encouraged her to "be happy". They were very persistent, especially her sister who hates me. As I wrote to her once, she became someone she used to despise. Most of those enablers have seemingly abandoned her as well. I know talking to my daughter she blurted out "but Mom hates Aunt K".

So - in light of the question, I'm not sure how useful my commentary is - but there are a number of paths that can be walked. And there's always farther down that people can fall. I would never have imagined my ex having the stamina to pursue something this long. But as she posted in the summer in one of her very rare FB posts - "I have a lot of people to prove wrong". And having lived with her for nearly 30 years, I know how stubborn she can be.

At this point I really honestly have no insight into my ex's life nor her attitudes. She seems afraid to see me perhaps because I represent Truth. I've seen her burn rubber whenever she spots me (small town living). I'm still single, living my life. I gave up hoping that she'd knock on the door quite some time ago.

If I could summarize this rambling, disorganized post - it's that if she's seen the light, it's the light she wants to see, not the one I'd hoped for.

Would she have changed paths if I'd outed her earlier on? She certainly would have been very angry at me but I think that by the time I found out about her affair - about 8 months after it started - she was committed to that path.