My husband and I have been together for 20 years (college sweethearts) and married for 15. We have 2 boys, ages 9 and 7. My husband turned 40 this past year and he became increasingly withdrawn over the course of the year. He didn’t want to talk to me and was often negative and irritable. He also started working out at the gym 7 days a week, eating a restrictive training diet and participating in a number of running/obstacle/fitness races. While he has always been interested in fitness and racing this was at a much higher level. Over the summer he became incredibly secretive with his phone. He changed his password from our common family password and will not be without his phone at any time. I believe he is having an affair although I have no actual proof.
At the beginning of November my husband told me that he and I have “nothing in common.” That he has never been his “true self" at any time in our relationship and that he needs “freedom and independence.” He then moved out into the guest room. I read Divorce Busting right after this and have not initiated any relationship talks, given him lots of space and not called/emailed/ texted anything unless it was related to the kids. Still, my husband seems constantly infuriated with me. It’s like the fact that I exist is infuriating. He won’t make eye contact with me and will leave a room if I am present. He will not speak to me unless spoken to and then he will answer my question with a single word. Last week, my husband broke his silence and told me that he wants a legal separation and immediately started talking about kids visitation, finances, selling the house, etc. I told him that I believe in our marriage and family but I know that I cannot keep him if he wants to go. I did ask him if he would attend marriage counseling to be absolutely certain that every option has been exercised and because we need to understand the impact of him leaving on the kids. He agreed but said “it won’t change my mind.”
It seems to me that my husband is having a midlife crisis (though I guess I cannot be sure). Everything I read suggests that, if this is the case, it’s his journey and there is not much I can do. I absolutely want to save my marriage and keep our family together. Support, advice and experience are all welcome. Thank you.
