Yail: I took a lot of those feelings and just hid them. I never thought I'd have to talk to her again about our dog, so that whole range of dog emotions is back. I never thought she'd ever ask me to help her with my opinions regarding S15 again, but here I am dealing with those feelings. I never EVER thought she'd ever ask me about getting married and now the topic has come up like 4 times. And it's a little bit unnerving that I don't have this part of the script planned out.
Joe, first of all you're doing all the right things in setting boundaries and not rushing things, well done! Regarding the above, just tell her how you feel. If she asks about getting married again just tell her that is a conversation for well down the road, that even her mentioning it to you at this time is causing you anxiety because you're not ready for that yet. This happens a lot at the beginning of recon, the WAS and LBS switch places. The WAS is the one that's pursuing and pressuring and the LBS is the one that's trying to pull back and create space. The thing is, you know how to be a LBS, she doesn't. So train her. Tell her you need to take it slow, and she needs to respect you and give you time and space to process this all.
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I am dealing with a lot of personal jealousy issues. I am jealous that she was with two guys after D. But to be honest, I was with girls post D, so I can't hold that against her at all. But I do. It's probably because I was the LBS. I know I have to get over it, and I'm working on it. One day at a time, I guess.
I'm guessing neither of you were virgins when you got married (is anyone these days?) But that didn't stop you from falling in love and getting married, and I would venture to say that you thought little if any about who she was with before that. So try to look at it that way, you're not resuming your old R but starting a new one. It's a clean slate, but even better, you're going into it knowing what both of you did wrong and how to make corrections for an even better R. Reconciling is about the future, not the past.
