My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 5

[ovrrnbw]

Hello and thanks for helping me out everyone. I realize I am not seeing things in my sitch because I am emotionally motivated not to see them, or that I am afraid of acting how I know I should because I am scared of running of my W.

I am/was sweeping things under the rug. I would tell my W when she was being disrespectful, which was too often. She obviously is not fully committed or else she'd be worried about how I feel about things and finding a way to problem solve together instead of being negative and combative.

Your W has no regrets, remorse or the slightest ownership of her mistakes. You cannot continue to carry the burden on both your behalf
I may be wrong in this so please let the other vets chime in.

I'd like to hear more opinions on this. I have forgiven myself and I am not harboring a ton of resentment of her affair, though it's not like it doesn't upset me.

That does not entitle her to have an affair. And she hasn't even admitted to it?

No it doesn't, she is still running from the repercussions of her own actions. Her parents are still enabling her in this, telling her it wasn't an affair. We weren't even separated by W's standards.

Their only focus is that if their M is restored, they will somehow have a better life.

I am guilty of this. I've always thought of my W as my life partner. We had amazing chemistry. The truth is, we never grew on that, but those feelings have always been present for us (she said this for herself in Oct).

My vote: kick her to the curb.

Do you mean file D? Or how do I do this, in your opinion?

Here are some recent details on my sitch:
Saturday, went shopping with W. She bought a Cricut and wanted material. So we went shopping for 4 or 5 hours and enjoyed the day mostly. W has been tired a lot, even with adequate sleep.

W has been mad at my mom and friends for sending Christmas cards and wedding invites to my name only. At first, I tried explaining to W why they might do that. That was dumb. The next time this came up, I asked her if there was anything she could do about it to fix it. She didn't respond much to that. So I asked her to let go of it if it was out of her hands. Well, she's been so focused on this and it's really chapping her buns.

Case in point, Saturday, towards the end of the day, I told W I'm going to my mom's tomorrow for her bday. W is upset, asks if she was invited, I tell her that I didn't think she'd attend anyways so I didn't ask. My mom doesn't want to see her on Thanksgiving, her bday, or Xmas for the first time in 10 months with everything going on. My W knows this. My W wants my mom to be a loving, super involved figure like her parents are but my mom is nothing like W's parents. So W shuts down, gets rude, and another card came Saturday night to just me. She opened it when we got home and got pissed. I told her she was being rude and that I'm leaving to go to mass.

By the time I got back she was asleep in bed from 6pm-10pm. Then she woke up and stayed up to 4 or 5 am when she made a ruckus and laid with her leg on me all night. I left Sunday AM with my pup to do some training for about an hour. I get back a W tells me she's going to her parents tonight. OK. Then she tells me she felt queasy in the shower and was dizzy and came out and fell on the bed. I asked did she eat, she said she ate candy, and that was it, since Sat morning. I told her to go to the Dr. She said they'll just say it's stress. I said too much, she was just trying to get me to feel bad for her anyways. She's still fighting depression IMO and isn't going to counseling or dealing with her issues.

So I went and enjoyed Sunday, W stayed "at her parents" Sunday and Monday night and then shows up early at the house today, unannounced packing food and taking a shower. Since it woke me up, I grabbed my stuff and left for the day because it's better for me to not see her or talk to her. And I haven't called her and don't plan to. She hasn't called me either. I could look at the car GPS to see where she really was, but I'm not going to unless she is coming back and telling me stories.

She also went to her parents last week to discuss my mom not wanting her to come over. Well, if my W was fully committed to our MR, I'd have to forgo my mom for the time being. But W is not and was not fully committed. Her parents think my mom was the OW for her husband 17 years ago. And she may have been, but I don't know what that has to do with their daughter's actions. It's like they feel justified b/c of this, and b/c I was horrible before. Oh well, can't change their minds. Warning to newbies: don't talk to your inlaws!!!

I really need to DB hard and not jump back into things with her without the full commitment. I've read Zeus's post about 5 times now and really need to pound that into my head. The crap relationship of her being a B to me, not being accountable for her own actions, running to OM, not working with me to solve problems, and being mad at everyone is getting old.

So it's back to GAL. Gonna train my pup some more, she's a 6 month old black lab, hunt more, go out with friends, cook a ton of food, run, lift, sauna, play basketball.

Brutal honesty appreciated, thanks everyone for reading!