Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 5

[Davide]

Thanks for the support LoneWlf!

I don't think that I have done anything particularly well in this process. I have been fortunate in the fact that my W and I physically separated the day after BD 8 months ago and have probably had less than half a dozen serious interactions since then. The time and space provided has pushed me to detach because there is literally nothing to hold onto. I see so many WAS that are manipulative or constantly temp-check, and I know that I would have struggled to endure those tests and it would have slowed my progress. My W has been consistent and compassionate in the process, letting me go on my journey as much as I have let her go on hers.

It has been my goal to be as authentic and true to myself as possible, a big part of that was simply finding out who that is. I was as co-dependent as they come before I started this process and had no sense of my own identity outside of the MR. Thankfully I had good friends and family to count on to help me, as well as a high degree of self-discipline which I credit to my background as a distance runner. The mental training of pushing myself to run long distances day after day was invaluable conditioning for this process. I knew what it was like to grind day in and day out with only very limited short-term gratification, all in the name of long-term progress. I also give a huge amount of credit to the 2x4s and support I received here. They shone light on the blind spots which I had and caused me to question my behavior and reactions.

Dating has been an interesting experience. I am trying to be as open and honest and true to myself as possible. I am finding that most of the women in my age range already have families. They are in a very different place in life than I am, and it is difficult to reconcile that. I would very much like to have a family, but I always imagined that as meaning children of my own. I'm still working out how I feel about joining an already formed family. Not to mention the fact that single working mothers often have very little time to dedicate to dating. I saw a woman on Sunday and she was quite interesting and attractive, but she has two little children, a high-powered banking job, and lives a good distance from me (in the same city, but barely.) It is hard to tell if an attraction and shared values can trump logistical obstacles.

Being honest and open about my situation also causes difficulties. I wait until meeting women in person before sharing the details of my sitch (particularly the fact that I am only 8 months separated) as it seems like the sort of personal information that shouldn't be shared online. A number of the women I have met have clearly not been comfortable with it, though generally they are hesitant to come out and say it. Regardless, I refuse to start any sort of relationship with a lie. It cuts down on the pool of interested women greatly.