Gordie 22 eight months after she dropped the D

[Gordie]

Gerda

Thanks for checking in

On balance doing well

December is very busy

I wanted to take some time to think about what you and Roist wrote and I have

But I have not had time to respond

I have written some posts and deleted them

I am not sure how to address my current stuck-ness

But acknowledgment is the first step

I decided to read the healing after infidelity book by MWD

It has been a slow read

Bringing up lots of feelings

She emphasizes that it takes a lot of work by both parties to do the work

So I can do my work to heal

But I cannot do her work to heal

And it is that reality which makes me feel stuck

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gordie

You current stuck-ness. I would like to suggest something, a different framing of it.

To start with, you are correct, of course, that you can only do your healing and she has to work on her’s.

Are you healed enough to leave? I remember when you had had enough and needed to leave, needed to heal. Then W dumps OMs and drops filing, situation heads off in new direction. Lots of action, and drama.

Things are much settled for you, I see it in your writings.

I believe you are healed well enough that you could leave, you could see that. I am not suggesting anything of the sort, to be clear. This is when standing really starts. Did you pass that point a while ago and are just revisiting it, or is it a first time realization. I have my guess; it is what you feel and believe that matters.

For what it is worth, get back to your basics a bit. Focus on you.

Limbo is not much fun, it is also not much bad, it is not much anything really. It’s limbo.

The lack of drama takes some getting used to, especially after experiencing drama for an extended period of time. The peace and contentment from limbo is strange and foreign. Embrace it.

Becareful of limbo seeping into other parts of your life. Your relationship with W, your love life, dating, etc... is on pause at times and on slow play at others. That is ok. Keep living the other parts of your life at normal speed. Takes a bit to get the hang of that.

Something I have notice with myself and others, frequency of postings tends to go down when we are internally figuring something out, looking for a solution, or facing a crossroad - that kind of thing. Your frequency is down as of late, not a definite causality of internal struggle. There are many reasons for a drop in number of postings, you do have lots going on in your life. Perhaps in your head and heart as well.

My view is not so much you are stuck, you are sitting quietly, in limbo, patiently seeking guidance or a heading. Your written and deleted posts are a good indicator of that. I’ve been there, don’t rush the answers, and don’t jump on the first one that presents itself.

How we proceed in our situation, our minds, and our hearts has a lot to do on how we perceive and frame our outlook. Are you stuck? Are you indifferent? Are you in limbo? Are you just getting used to the strangeness of it?

My view of you and your situation is still one of admiration and hope. Don’t fret, you, and her, are making progress - separately and some together. Her appearant stuck-ness might just be her internally figuring out stuff too. Remember space and time - as she needs it.

Focus on you. That doesn’t mean ignore her, and I know you know that. Let limbo take you where it does, focus on your other parts of your life, one that do not include her, or very little of her. Focus on what you can control, not what you can’t.

Kindness, compassion, and forgiveness are your guides and headings. Follow them. Spend time with her when she wants too and she can. Remember this is still very much her dance, her tune, her speed.

Are you healed enough to leave?

If not - Stand, and keep working on Gordie.

If yes - Stand! Keep working on Gordie, settle in, and get comfortable.

As a very good friend of your’s begrudgingly accepts and believes - This is going to take some time.

DnJ

[AndrewP]

#TeamGordie!

[Gordie]

DNJ (and Andrew)

Thanks for checking in on me

Your reframing of my status is helpful

This really is going to take some time

I do not control the pace and timing

And you are right that I had two plus years of high drama

And that I should enjoy less drama in my life

So let me offer gratitude on some positives



W said thank you to me for helping her with something

W stood next to me and dried the dishes I was washing

W accepted an invitation to a party on behalf of the two of us

These are all new behaviors



So it is these small and drama free interactions I am appreciating

When I said she is not ready to do the work

I meant the work of reconciliation that MWD describes

We still have never really talked about everything that happened

[DnJ]

I am glad to hear that.

From what I understand MWD’s reconciliation description is more for non-MLC.

For what it’s worth, I believe you will have your conversation. It probably will not be when you expect it, what you expect, or how you expect it. So, keep em at zero. Don’t even worry about it, don’t sweat the small stuff - or what you can’t change.

Remember in 20 years all this will be but a blip.

You are a very special and lucky man.

She is getting there. She will open up when she is ready.

Keep washing those dishes together. Keep being a safe place.

A lot of prayers have been answered, and you are in the midst of some miraculous events. Sometimes we forget that which is right in front of us.

It’s just small steps, all adding up.

DnJ

[roist]

Sorry to have put you in the spotlight with my opinion that you were stuck. From.experience I am sure you will soon be unstuck. It often just takes something small to shift our mindsets and perspectives. That is your key. Find it. Someday soon you will hear something, read something or see something and it will light a spark under you and you will know your path. I am not talking about your R/M, without a catalyst beyond you that will be slow to change. You know that so take your time to concentrate on you.

Best wishes

[bttrfly]

a grateful heart is a beautiful thing xoxoxo

[job]

Gordie,

It is going to take time for her to get to where she needs to be to talk. It may be when you least expect it and all that I ask is that you listen and validate. Right now, she is slowly inching her way along. It will take just as long for her to return to earth as it did to enter the time warp. It's better for things to go slowly because the healing needs that time.

You are learning to accept her for who she is at the moment and also your expectations are much lower, therefore, you can appreciate the little gestures that she's doing w/o much of a reaction. As all of the posters have pointed out, you will find your way out of that "stuck" position...but it will take time. You've had a lot of high energy stuff going on for a year or so and now that things appear to be slowing down, you feel stuck. Be patient and kind to yourself. Continue to do the things that you love to do. Keep the focus on your family and above all else...focus on you. Your wife is slowly returning. Dig deeper for patience.

Merry Christmas and may the new year shine brighter and be more promising for you and your family.

[Gordie]

Journaling

So last night

Kids were all asleep

And w and I stayed up late playing Santa

And then she kissed in a way she has not in years

And one thing led to another

And we made love there in the living room

In front of the Christmas tree

[job]

What a nice way to welcome in Christmas Day! It's a slow process, but she's warming up more and more to coming back to earth and you.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.