Divorce inevitable

[Rita]

My H also badmouths me to the kids. It's very important to get a custody agreement in place and have that be part of it. My mother did that to me with my dad and it devastated me for life.

But I do want to tell you, Hamburg, that you sound like you are behaving rashly yourself. I have been standing for over five years, and my H just filed for D this September. To me it looks like you went from 0 to 1000000 in five seconds flat. You need to slow down. You are trying to make decisions constantly and put out every fire. I know what you are doing,I used to do that, though not in the same way as I am committed to standing for my M no matter what. But I did try to fix a lot of things, and it was because I did not want to suffer. Stop being afraid of suffering. This thing is going to hurt no matter what you do. You will reach a point where you either have a lot more compassion and patience or you will get bitter. It's your choice.

You have a little quiet now so you are able to see that you do miss your W and you are not sure of anything, not even if you want to get her an X-Mas gift. You need to sit in your grief, stop trying to get control of the feelings you have. DnJ is right about this -- your feelings are fleeting. Figure out on a piece of paper what your beliefs are, what kind of a man you are, irrespective of what your W or anyone else does.

To put it dramatically -- How would you behave in a concentration camp, for example?

On that note -- if you want to think deeply about that, read the wonderful book, Man's Search for Meaning, by Victor Frankl. This book will give you a lot of perspective.

Do you realize that your W could go through an affair and even a remarriage and then come out of this and want to come home?

You might not want that, you might not want to endure the suffering that is to come, but I just think you need to step back and stop trying to fix everything. This is not something you can cure with medicine, you can't be a doctor here. The only medicine for her is time and your forgiveness. For you, the only medicine is enjoying life on your own and keeping a door in your heart open in case, if you want to.

As far as X-Mas-- your children want you both there on X-Mas morning. I have endured everything you have endured and far worse with my H. But I invite him to every holiday. He doesn't always come, but I ask God to help me FEEL forgiveness, and if I don't get that feeling, I imagine how I would act if I did forgive him, and I am able to have as normal a time as a family as an MLCer allows. Get to your house early on X-Mas morning and make everyone pancakes and leave a gift for your W under the tree. Get her something you know she would like and focus on having fun without worrying about being humiliated by her choosing someone else or whatever she is doing. Make memories with your kids that are good ones.

I know you aren't a Christian, but if you ever want to try to wrap your head around what forgiveness could look like, I recommend rejoice marriage ministries. That has helped me so much, and when I started reading their devotionals, I was not a Christian! So it can help even if you ignore the faith part.