Hi Ovr, things cannot go back to how they were for certain but MR 2.0 should mean it’s better for both of you. Do you think this is your R? I may be wrong but it feels like there is a lot of sweeping under the rug here. She is far from owning her issues, you are trying to put band aids, my fear is even if you let bygones now how do you know you will not be here a few years down the road again if the big issues are left unresolved? In my opinion R needs true remorse, I have seen where people have said once the WAS snaps out of the fog they won’t even remember how badly they behaved or how they hurt their spouse. For me that is not good enough, after walking through the inferno I need empathy, compassion and true remorse to start R. It may not happen at all but without these wouldn’t the R be shallow? Wouldn’t the LBS spend their life looking over their shoulder? If and when the WAS shows genuine remorse and accepts their mistake without continuing to blame the LBS, that is when the LBS needs to build empathy and forgive to move forward. Your W has no regrets, remorse or the slightest ownership of her mistakes. You cannot continue to carry the burden on both your behalf I may be wrong in this so please let the other vets chime in. I think you need to call her out on her BS, not confrontational, just matter of fact and let her know you won’t settle for this behavior. It may be pan to the fire but what you have going is not sustainable in the long run. Would you want to have a family with this woman and spend the rest of your life doubting yourself? As I said, my suggestion may be completely off, my own MR train is almost at the D station, just chew on this and wait for others. You have superb advice for the newbies so I know that you get these concepts, hugs
This! So much this! Thank you, Sia.
I firmly believe that in order to have a genuine M, both people must be willing to look at themselves, be willing to change, and have remorse for the pain they have caused. I see this from you, but she seems far from even admitting to what she has done. She has given you no reason to trust her. So while you might be able to do some patchwork here and there and get her into counseling, she does not yet have an open heart. SHE IS STILL WAYWARD! Sure you have made your mistakes, we all have. That does not entitle her to have an affair. And she hasn't even admitted to it? We all teach people how to treat us. How do you want to be treated by your W? I ask you again, how do you think you deserve to be treated?
Some posters here think they can come here, follow the rules, and somehow win their S back. Their only focus is that if their M is restored, they will somehow have a better life. That is not how life works! Life is what WE make of it. They also are so internally wounded they refuse to see their reality. Truth is, you cannot force someone to love you or respect you. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! Don't you guys want to be in a M where you are loved and respected? Isn't that what M is about? Having someone physically there is not a real partnership.
We can only control ourselves in this and let them go if they are not good to us. She is not good to you, ovr! As you let her go, and then become a stronger and more resilient individual, you will realize how you deserve to be treated. Hopefully then you will accept nothing less. My vote: kick her to the curb. Man up and focus on overrnbow 2.0! Become a man only a fool would leave! Down the road, if and only if, she shows you a woman that is remorseful and committed to you, then you can consider if you want her back.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
