(Took a few days off because of wrapping up semester class-work grading, having visitors and family events, like YS’ baptism and OS’ birthday party this weekend).
Also been a decent day (12/16), but still struggling with detachment. I’m trying really hard to not glance over her way while she’s on her cell phone this weekend. She plays cell phone games, looks at stuff online, does Instagram and FB, and of course the text messages.
Especially now that her personal phone is blowing up from co-workers because she’s going into work today (Monday). (She has a work phone, btw.). There is something going on that she worked so hard on previously, and she wants to be there. So, she’s taking off of maternity leave for today and going in (up at 3:00, to be in around 5:30), and then who knows however long she’ll be out today.
Can’t stop her career—no matter what. It’s nice to know that it feels like she cares more about her career than her family, and especially about our marriage. In a previous post I talked about trying to impress upon her the fact that when she ‘makes [her] career the priority,’ that, by definition, means EVERYTHING ELSE BECOMES NOT A PRIORITY. Maybe the fact that she’s getting out of the house and is getting back into the field / office will make her feel better. Or maybe it will bug her, because she’s missed so much. Oh well—I shouldn’t let it get to me.
I’ve probably also said this before, but if she really finds life / marriage with me that bad and depressing, I’m totally sure that there are oodles of available, date-able men out there (especially in her federal agency) who would be more than willing to put up with her late nights, early mornings, long trips away for days, weeks and potentially months at a time and oh by the way can you please do this that and the other for the boys? I really need to kick whatever NGS tendencies I have and drop the rope with her when she wants to do ABC outing for work and I’m needed to do XYZ. I’m trying to frame it internally as doing it for the kids, even though I’m totally sure on here it looks like I’m (at least partially) doing it for her. But tbh, long ago, I’ve accepted her doing all this for work, whereas I take very few trips that take me out of the immediate area.
It’s also hard for me to not be annoyed / bent out of shape that she’s gone for work—I remember reading somewhere about NGS getting angry / resentful about things like this. I’m trying to do better, and it still hurts on the bad days, but most days it’s annoying. But I’ve got to be honest—she’s dropped in the past that she wants away from me, so give that to her. Besides, next fall she’ll be across country for training for a promotion. For 3 months. So it will already be like an S as it is. Emotionally detached? Yes. SSM? Already is. But now it will be a physical separation for that time period. Better to vent it here than in front of her, or let it build up inside and really wreck my dealings with others.
I’ve said this, and I’ll keep saying it for as long as it persists, but I’m just really not into W physically recently. I’m not sure what it is, and it may be her clothes, but to me she looks like she’s put on a bit of weight. Yes, yes, I know she’s 3 months removed from giving birth. But I would think losing baby weight, but especially with breast feeding, she would be losing more. I know she dropped a TON of weight pumping and feeding for OS. She just looks different, and in especially in light of the last 2 months, I’m just ‘eh’ about her physically. Sexually? Sure, but....’eh.’ What I really want (and to be frank, deserve) is someone who wants to be with me, in every sense of the term.
Last night, she comes up to me and holds up her engagement ring (she wears 2 wedding bands—a plain silver band for wedding ring, and an upgraded ‘engagement’ ring that I bought for our 5-year anniversary 2 years ago). She asked me if I wanted to hold on to it. I asked her ‘what do you mean?,’ and she explains to me that she doesn’t want to get it ruined, and that it could snag on latex gloves during her work outing (both of which are fair concerns). That I could either take it or she could put it in the ring box. I then asked her, about as natural as can be, ‘well, what exactly am I going to do with it?’—I mean, what can I do with it? Wear it myself? Leave it on my nightstand, so it could potentially get dirty or lost?
Back in the spring (especially after BD) when she would go on outings, she would leave that ring behind for those reasons above. I remember upon her getting back from one such outing getting really upset inside that she didn’t put it back on right away. The challenge for me this time around is to not look / notice / care to see if / when she puts it back on. I feel like she’s married more to her work than to me—that there is an EA, and that is her job.
I also know on a different thread there was a distinction made between being a ‘bad boy’ and flirting. I get that—I know that flirting does NOT automatically cause me to emulate any sort of reproducible ‘bad boy’ behavior. For me, what it comes down to is CONFIDENCE. Confidence I can then apply to other areas of my life. That I know I can be a charmer, a flirt, and build relationships (because I have done so, repeatedly, at various points throughout my life). Despite some occasional moments on here, for the most part, my confidence with women is pretty much toast, and I know I need to rebuild that. A lot of this also comes from me ‘dropping the rope’ emotionally on most of my female friends, and the fact that I feel the need to keep very strong emotional boundaries with women given my current work. So, I need to rebuild that. It’s also a reminder to myself that there are a lot of really amazing, attractive women out there. I just know that I am a prize to at least one of them, out there.
I’m sure that my attempts at detachment, flirtation and confidence building probably come off as amateurish, ham-handed and flawed in terms of execution, but for me it’s learning by doing—gotta start somewhere. For me, this is part of the 180, and there are (and will be) plenty of fails along the way. But it’s one day at a time.
But man is it nice to just talk with some really attractive women I work with. Ask how exam week is going. Just a ‘Hi, how are you’ and look them in the eyes while saying it. No expectations, whatsoever, no covert contracts, just to give love with no expectation in return from any woman, really. Commiserate with the tall, really cute brunette social studies teacher about how we both sometimes think we ask the copier to staple papers, and be WTH when it doesn’t happen, which I talked about with her today. So she’s stapling her exams that the copier failed to do, and I say ‘That’s unfortunate, but I hope your day goes better Kaitlyn,’ and she just smiles, laughs and says ‘thank you,’ and I then walk away. Win.
Our school’s inspirational quote of the day: ‘Stay positive. Work it hard. Make it happen.’ Love it.
