You are being way to hard on yourself. It is hard to see things when you are so close and you think the woman you have known for 18 years is not capable of this behavior. If you are looking towards recon you are going to need infinite patience.
Detaching takes a really long time. It took me about a year and a half to detach but I was living with my ex. Since you separated quickly it may happen to you sooner.
I promise you this gets easier down the road. Unfortunately though I think it will get worse before it gets better for you.
