Wife in MLC, I think

[LB55]

B - Thanks for your support, i am working very hard on my emotions. I have not reached out to her in 10 days now. I will have to soon because currently i am not seeing my kids over the Christmas time period and i find that to be unacceptable.

Steve-

Thanks for replying, I have read a lot of your replies to others, and it is good to have your experience and advice on board. You are a 2x4 homerun hitter and I will need that.

Initially I expended all my time trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I definitely figured out some poor behaviors on my part, but mostly I figured out there was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening. That removes some of the guilt on my part. I am still trying to determine the differences between WAW, WW, and MLC. Most of my research has led me to MLC, almost every 'list' of symptoms points to that. If the board members can help me to differentiate, please do so. What I have to go off of, in short form right now, is:

1. She started a new business.
2. She got a new wardrobe.
3. She got a new hairdo.
4. She got a new wardrobe.
5. She is shopping for new furniture.
6. She has a new food routine. When I have been home recently, I cannot actually make a meal unless I go to the store. Most things are convenience foods, even though we have always been against pre packaged and boxed foods.
6. She has left all of the friends we had together, blaming them for abandoning her.
7. Everything is my fault, unless it is someone else's fault. Nothing is her fault. She seeks to find someone to blame excessively. Nothing can be resolved until someone is to blame.
8. She appears to be so happy, yet I can see she is completely fake right now.
9. The self help books are everywhere at home. From how to start a business, to how to be assertive in negotiation process, how to feel good about your decisions, etc.
10. She needs space to deal with things. Usually the way things have gone is she is hurt about something, then she mopes, I notice, ask what is wrong, she cries for a couple hours while telling me about it, I apologize, I hold her, and usually there is make up intimacy at some point.
11. She has withdrawn from the kids. They are very self sufficient, military kids tend to be I think, but now they spend a lot of their time on ipads, they make easy mac for themselves for dinner. She watches Netflix and reads.
12. She has struggled on and off with depression for the past 7 years or so.
13. She told me that she spent most of October remembering what it was like on the stand in court when she was a teenager and had been sexually assaulted by a family member. I think this was the trigger that sent her spiraling out of control.
14. She thinks she is bisexual now and wants to experiment with a woman.
15. She has told me a handful of times in the past 10 years that 'she doesn't deserve someone like me, i don't deserve to be stuck with her and her medical issues, you should just leave to be happy'. Recently it has changed tone a bit to 'you won't like the person i have become and you should think about leaving'.
16. She has taken down all pictures of us, except for a couple. One of us on a fishing trip where she hurt her leg, and one of our wedding day. She said she left them up as motivation.

That is a short list of things I can think of off the top of my head. I can expound in detail on most of them, if it would help anyone to understand. I will try and do my best to separate facts that I know from things that I suspect or have reasoned out in my head.

I am doing my best to detach. I am journaling each night before bed, trying to put my thoughts on paper throughout this process. It helps me sleep I think, at least until about 4am when I wake up each day. I am working on this, and this time of year with the holidays, and the fact that we have been all looking forward to me coming home, makes it hard to just 180 away from any thoughts of happy with her. I wrote last night that I didn't know who she was any more. I am legally married to a stranger. What a crazy concept. I also told myself to get a PO box and start having my mail sent there, to get a new credit card, and set up a new checking account. I need to be ready to immediately withdraw financially when she hits me with papers. She did her best to hit me upside the head with a baseball bat, I am going to surprise her by taking action to protect myself in ways she would never suspect.

I will consult with a L. I need to figure out who would be appropriate for me to use. Any advice on selecting counsel would be appreciated. This is something I am VERY unfamiliar with, lawyers and divorce stuff, although I am trying to spend my off time reading about it, there is a ton of open ended contradictory advice out there.

I have suspected an A for a little while. I never knew there was such a thing as an EA until very recently. Her new business venture involves mostly men, both as business partners and in her business dealings. It isn't worth trying to figure out who/what/when/where/why, because that doesn't actually do anything. I keep telling myself that, and hopefully it will start to become a realization.

I am a Mr Nice Guy, I always have been. I have been a doormat for everyone in my life, whenever someone says jump I say 'how high?'. I cook, I take care of all the vehicles, the house, the yard, the income, the health care, etc. She reads romance novels, watches Netflix, and spends time with friends. I did ask her to stop with the romance novels, as I thought she was just trying to fantasize about a life that we don't have and it made me uncomfortable to be compared to those characters in the books. She slowed down for a while, but she never really understood why I wanted that, instead trying to make it about money ($7.99 for a book that takes her 5 hours to read adds up, but really isn't that expensive for entertainment). I hate conflict, I withdraw from it, I always have because I was scared of being yelled at as a child. I just realized that within the past couple weeks. It is a hard mindset to change, it is one of the things I am going to ask my therapist about. I am also going to ask about help with my P-A tendencies in conflict. Realizing i have P-A tendencies is the biggest step towards fixing them.

This is the plan in my head. It is fairly simple to think about doing it, in reality it will be very hard. I want to get home, get in our house, tell her that I live here now and if she isn't comfortable with that she is welcome to leave, but the kids stay with me. I want to separate our financial lives, which means new accounts and closing our joint CC. Finances are very intertwined and we are not poor or struggling to get by. I have a feeling that if she can't force me to leave, she will just leave and go live with her parents(they live about 0.5 miles away and have a full basement they don't use).

I have been thinking of how to GAL. Once i get home, this will be easier. My life is pretty lame right now, my job provides a place to sleep (26Hx28WX80L) and food. I didn't bring a vehicle with me, so my transportation options are limited right now. I walk most places, exercise is good for me. I have the clothes i brought with me and that is it. I use wifi, i try and play an online game with S11 when W hasn't taken away their ipads for behavior(my kids have never lost their privileges for behavior before). Excuses, I know. Once I get home, I can go skiing, flying, fishing, camping; all things I like to do and so do the kids. Maybe some trivia nights, or joining a bowling league. I would like to try show shoeing and curling. I referee high school football in the fall. I want to eventually build a diesel truck pull competition truck. Lots of ideas for GAL. Just have to do them. I have started by going clothes shopping, and i found a couple items that i think are very 'me'. That is a good start.

I am trying to get there in my head, I have a good sister that I am currently confiding in, and i have opened up a relationship with my other sister that has been pretty closed for quite a while. I am working on standing up to people for what i want, while still being able to compromise and come to a good solution that works for everyone. Easier said than done.

This is terrible. I feel so bad for my kids, they are struggling and i am not there for them right now. Today is my S11 birthday, i will call and talk with him, not about this stuff, but just him. I sent him a fun card and some cash to get something he really wants. When i am home, D8 just wants to snuggle with me in a chair. Like all day. It breaks my heart.

Thank you for your advice, i will be around often, mostly i am reading up on other people's sitch.