Basically I said, that she had been going off on random days, coming home with no pattern for the kids to stick to, and the kids had begun noticing, and are generally really nervous and paying attention whenever she leaves the house, often they cry when she just goes to take out the trash etc - She said that was nonsense, and had nothing on it.
Hurt, I know it's a sucky situation and I do feel for you. But reading your posts I think you're trying to "guilt" her back by using the kids against her. One thing you need to understand is she is wayward, and the wayward's mindset is that this is all your fault. So when you try to guilt her, she is just thinking that you are being unfair/ mean/ vindictive. You've got to stop that. Be the rock and lighthouse.
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I said, that I had informed her earlier, that it would suit our situation, and our chances of having a solid foundation for working together in the future around our kids, if she moved out now.
Your kids are 1 and 3, at this point in their lives the "best" situation for them is both parents under the same roof. Believe me, things get a lot more complicated for kids when the parents live apart. Now I am not saying you should continue to put up with her crap, I'm just saying quit hiding behind the kids as an excuse. Her moving out is what YOU want, you don't need to offer her reasons and explanations. What reasons and explanations has she offered you for running off and banging OM?
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...and that I had no intentions of harming her, I just want whats best for our kids. She then got really mad, before she burst in tears and said "I am so afraid, I don't know what you are capable of any longer", meaning if I would take the kids away from her. I said "I have been nothing but gracious through all of this, and you having those thoughts shows me that you perceive things very different from me", I then said I thought of her as a great mother for her children, however this situation had stirred the pot, and she made some decisions at times, that was not in the kids best interest, according to me at least, and im sure she didn't see it that way. She didn't. She became angry, didn't want to talk about ANYTHING but kids, which is what we should be doing. I kinda accidentally talked a bit about how OM and her were being a thing for days, and then she would come home and try to eat cake, and it was wrong - thats why we needed this to end, by her moving out.
Clearly that convo went sideways in a hurry and stayed there. You just can't reason with a wayward, she will twist everything you say. So don't do it.
I have got to disagree with the parents being better off under the same roof, even at that age. Especially in such a toxic disrespectful situation. Moving out is more healthy for you and the kids where relationships can be fostered properly with the children and without contention.
My ex was out the day he blindsided me with want a divorce. Our daughter was 6 months old. Growing up in 2 homes is not ideal and has it's battles, but is by far healthier than trying to heal and establish a life without being a married couple. Your individual relationships can be established and nurtured without the stress hanging over your head. I think my parenting would have suffered watching my ex leave to go be with his mistress and then having him come home to us.
A healthy self leads to being a healthier parent, and I can't imagine how difficult it is in that environment, especially one where you have to hide in a bedroom.
G1, how did you get your XH to leave? My understanding is that legally a WAS/WS isn't obligated to "abandon" the marital home.
He wanted out. he had it all set up to go live at his sisters for when he dropped the bomb on me. Actually, he dropped the bomb on my after we put our 6 month old baby down to sleep while watching a TV show. He was prepared to leave that night. I actually called my dad out in NY and I left with my daughter for 2 and a half months to his house. he stayed until I came back. And he was out as soon as I came back. he wanted to feel free to affair away and didn't want to deal with the effects of what happens when you tell your wife out of nowhere who just gave birth to your child he was leaving. he also vehemently denied an affair. So, I imagine to keep that illusion going on, he had to be as far away as possible. His intention was to make everyone think his OW came after we split, not while I was pregnant.
I'm glad, the second he dropped the bomb, being under the same roof with him felt like pure torture. For both of us I guess.
So basically I am still sick, which means it has been a bit tough doing GAL. I have been keeping to myself in MBR when kids are sleeping, and I feel like I need to get out more. It feels like I am being cut off from using the house, watching tv in the evening (no tv in MBR), because I have chosen to cut her out of time with me. I don't feel like a winner in this situation and she seems to be really happy with having the living room for herself. Maybe when im well and am able to go out more I won't feel like excluding myself from her feels like she gets to roam the house and I get to "hide in the MBR".
When the kids are awake and home from daycare, I focus all my energy on them, and yesterday even with a fever, we went for a walk (refreshing), and afterwards we sat down and had fun with play dough for an hour. Whenever we do these activities, WW will leap in, and join in as she would in the past - It annoys me, but I keep my cool because I know it annoys me because of what she currently is to me and has done to me, but yet I know she is the mother of my children, and that they really enjoy when she does things with them.
Yesterday she said that if I wanted to, then we could still change it back, so both our names are on the gifts for the kids (I said I would buy gifts for the 24th and she could buy hers for the 23rd). I said no thanks.
Later she came in, knocked on MBR door and said that she was buying calendars with the kids pictures for her family, and if she should order for my family as well - again I said no thank you.
Her phone was also on the counter in the kitchen, and (SNOOP ALERT, DETACH YOU DUMBAS"S"), there was a messenger message from one of her girlfriends, and it didn't show everything but it said "Oh I'm so sorry. Do you feel more sad than when you were together with Hurt213? If you need to get out of the house, please feel free to come over"<-- Dont know what the fk that was all about. Shouldn't care. Guessing she is just sad about the time of year and all that is going on, and her friend tried to see if it compared with the sadness the apparently felt when she was together with me.
So, today I heard from her once, she texted and said she would be home for dinner, at least for tonight, and that she wanted our phone providers name so she could change our family phone subscription and get her own subscription, because that is what she needed now that we were splitting up. I texted back and hour later with (I already changed the subscription) <--- I did this a week ago, she just haven't paid attention, and since we have paid in advance, she won't be getting billed until next month. I know she should have done this herself, but yea, I just didn't want to contribute to her new life with my money, so I removed her, and got her back on the subscription she had prior to us merging subscriptions (she won't mind - I don't care.)
So now im in the living room, WW is at gymnastics with the kids. Tonight there is a killer movie on TV, and I really want to see it, but guess im in MBR hiding it out lol!
/H
Last edited by Hurt213; 12/18/1804:08 PM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
So according to the behaviour I need to display "sandi2 WW thread", then gifts are out of the question. You do not reward stupid behaviour. However, christmas is around the corner. I won't be buying her anything. I KNOW she hasn't bought me anything - she is actually so imbecile, that she hid the presents for OM under S1s bed... I don't even know what to say lol. However I don't really care, and don't want a reaction, I just want a solid advice. Do I purchase a little someting from D and S to WW? I know D4 would be really proud to have a gift for her, and just seeing my little girls smile, if I took her out and bought something is really the only reaction I want, and S1, well he is too young to understand.
Thoughts?
Last edited by Hurt213; 12/18/1804:22 PM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
So according to the behaviour I need to display "sandi2 WW thread", then gifts are out of the question. You do not reward stupid behaviour. However, christmas is around the corner. I won't be buying her anything. I KNOW she hasn't bought me anything - she is actually so imbecile, that she hid the presents for OM under S1s bed... I don't even know what to say lol. However I don't really care, and don't want a reaction, I just want a solid advice. Do I purchase a little someting from D and S to WW? I know D4 would be really proud to have a gift for her, and just seeing my little girls smile, if I took her out and bought something is really the only reaction I want, and S1, well he is too young to understand.
Thoughts?
My kids have been so excited with telling me about the gifts "they" got me which they wrapped and are under our tree. I feel like I needed to oblige and get W something from the kids as well. I guess my view on it is, if this is the last Christmas we have together as a family, I don't want the kids to wonder why W didn't get any presents. She isn't getting anything from me, that's for sure. I got 3-4 gifts from them. Nothing real major like I have done in the past. Actually just got done ordering them a little bit ago. My W has always been extremely hard to shop for so it was brutal haha.
With regard to your MBR and no TV.....I can't think of a better time than to add one! Great holiday deals and a chance to make the MBR your own.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Do I purchase a little someting from D and S to WW? I know D4 would be really proud to have a gift for her, and just seeing my little girls smile, if I took her out and bought something is really the only reaction I want, and S1, well he is too young to understand.
Given that she's actively in an A and hiding present for OM under the bed, I would just help the kids make something for her. They're young so will need your help, so maybe come up with something "personal" that you can help them with. After BD I bought round paver kits for the kids to put their handprints in and decorate with little bits of tile. It was a way to help the kids get something for W without it being pursuit on my part.
