Oh my did. You come to us saying how you can’t be with her because her behavior is so inconsistent, but so is yours!
I have to say your dynamic/relationship is super unhealthy.
I was about to post the exact same thing. Did, you let her pull you in and you have these long talks that go nowhere and accomplish nothing, then you spend a few hours or maybe a day "detaching" (ha!) and "going dark" (HA!) and then you're right back in her net floundering around. "Going dark" does not mean "stop replying to texts for a few hours or a day before resuming previous attached behavior". Going dark is not a few hours or a few days or even a few weeks. It is months and months and months. My buddy that I've mentioned that reconciled with his girls-gone-wild WW went dark on her for TWO YEARS. You just can't keep doing this where you stop replying to her for a few hours and then engage in a long convo. It makes you look very inconsistent, passive/aggressive and let's her know you are Plan B all the way.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
She wants to be selfish, great, let her go be. Because she is being horribly selfish right now. And it’s cruel. And you are so codependent, you just follow her lead and what she does dictates your moves and emotions.
You don’t have to reaestablish verbal boundaries. You broke your own boundaries with actions, by engaging with her. Words are useless. Show with actions .
Let her send whatever she does, you ignore it unless it has to do with the safety and well being of your daughter.
She wants to come at you with relationship talk? You tell her you are ready to talk when she is ready to recommit to working on your marriage and working on herself.until then, you have nothing to say. Then walk away.
^^^YES YES YES^^^
Originally Posted by Did
Ginger thanks i agree - codependent.
Let's look at that word- codependent:
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A dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. In its broadest definition, a codependent is someone who cannot function from his or her innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, or even a process, or substance. In this context, people who are addicted to a substance, like drugs, or a process, like gambling or sex, can also be considered codependent. In its most narrow definition, it requires one person to be physically or psychologically addicted, such as to heroin, and the second person to be psychologically dependent on that behavior.
There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that sounds good, attractive or beneficial in that description. Is that really who you want "Did" to be? I certainly hope not.
Did, you talk about all this detaching and going dark you're going to do, you do it for a few hours, then you post about some big long convo you and W had. Then you offer up flimsy excuses over why said convo had to happen. Then you get 2x4'd, you agree everyone is right and promise to do better, then repeat the exact same pattern all over again. I get it, this stuff is hard. But here's the thing, it's hardest AT FIRST. The more you stick to your guns the easier it gets. But you've got to START. Because every time you backslide you go right back to the beginning. Yours is not a case of two steps forward and one back (which isn't necessarily bad because forward progress is still being made) but yours is more like one toe forward and one back.
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Yes the dynamic is unhealthy I have to drop the rope / cut the cord. Still being married and having a daughter the connection is there.
There is no connection. That's something I think that is causing you a lot of struggles, that mindset that there is something there that you can salvage if only you say or do the right thing/ things. But it's not there, you're grasping at straws. You've got to let her go (for a long time) before having a chance of getting her back.
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Or I could just have the great sex then continue NC although I will obliviously be reattached.
CONTINUE NC? When did it ever start??????
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Better we have sex than have sex with others?
Michele says it's OK to have sex if you can do it with no expectations. I think in your case it would be very unhealthy because you would have a ton of expectations. And I'm not so sure it's even on the table, I think this is another case of you getting your hopes up over nothing. Detach. GAL.
