Wife in MLC, I think

[SteveLW]

LB, welcome to the best forum on the internet for these kinds of things. I attribute my success in my own sitch directly to this forum. It took me nearly 50 years but I finally learned that the best way to be wise is to learn from the wisdom of others.

LB, please be ready for the other shoe to drop. Likely your W is involved in an A. All the markers are there. Most LBSs that don't see "evidence" go into denial about that. But there are a lot of red flags. The phone usage. The new friends. The rewriting of history to make you to be a villain. The suddenly business like nature of her correspondence. The sleeping as far from you in bed as possible. The getting angry when you mention things or bring things up. Many of us have been there, and in 99% of the cases there is an OM involved.

What you need to do LB is to use the time you have left before you go home to decide what YOU want. You have no control over her, or what she does or decides. But you do have control over YOU. Most LBSs think that the only thing they want is to save their marriage. But LB now is the time to dig deep down and decided what you WILL and WILL NOT accept. Those are your personal boundaries and they are important. And trust me, your W will not respond favorably in any way to a spineless worm. So make sure your spine is firmly intact.

Quick story from my sitch.I initiated BD after finding FB Messenger messages between my W and her online EA OM. I immediately went into meltdown, worm mode. Crying, begging, pleading, moping, clingy, sad, depressed, listless. Two things changed. I remembered DBing from the EA she had in 2005. And I had a friend that had cheated on her H, so I confided in her to get advice. Her #1 piece of advice: STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Over the next several weeks I had the opportunity (unfortunately) of seeing how she reacted when I meant a show of rebellion and defiance on her part with being a spineless worm. It never went well. Then I also had the opportunity to met her rebellion and defiance with confidence, firm resolve, and even a hit of anger (not out of control but simply "this will not fly" anger).

The biggest example of this, was just after my W, about a month into our sitch, decided she was sorry she had done what she did and started talking about staying together. Turns out her OM had moved on from her so she needed to save things with us now. 4 days I later I found a very public, full profile of hers on a dating site. Picture. Our whole story, everything. I called my friend. "You need to go home and confront her, and be angry! This is more than about you and her, this is about your D14 finding out what is going on!" It was a great point. A full blown dating profile could easily come back to my daughter. "Why is your mom trolling for men on a dating site?"

I went home, told her I found out. Asked her what she was thinking. I firmly told her that if she had a shred of respect for me, but more importantly if she cared one iota for our D, then she would take the profile down immediately. I pointed out to her that any one from church (and we were well known at SEVERAL local congregations), from our D's school, etc could find that profile. I said firmly "Unless you want your D to find out about it you best take it down."

The reaction I got from her was the opposite of what I had been getting from her. Mr. Nice Guy hadn't worked. Mr. You Better Listen To Me got immediate results. I never brought it up to her again. I went on with my life after saying my peace. She came to me later that night and said she had removed the picture, and made the profile private (meaning only those that she messaged first could see it, she even told me that the responses she had received so far were from guys that were NOT appealing, LOL.) The reaction I always got from her with Mr. Nice Guy was defiant, 'I don't care' rebellion. My W is much like yours, very emotional. How she could be so cold through most of our dealing was astounding. But this time, being firm, the response was a lot different.

LB, your W may not respond the way mine did to your standing up and taking charge. But guess what....she WILL respect it. Most of the time when we deal with WAWs and WWs (I think yours is more the former since waywards tend to try to hold the family together and still do what they want to do), there has been a breakdown in the respect department. A lack of respect leads to a lack of attraction, which leads to eventual thoughts of leaving and/or being with someone else. TAKE BACK YOUR RESPECT.

My advice:

1) Drop Mr. Nice Guy and stand up for yourself (read. No More Mr. Nice Guy, you seem to have a touch of Nice Guy Syndrome with the admitted passive-aggressiveness)
2) Talk to a L. She already has. D is a legal process so you have to be prepared legally
3) Shift from trying to save your marriage to trying to save yourself. This is a big one. Trying to save the marriage results in actions that work against you. So work on you: 180 (launch into a new era of self-improvement) and GAL (when you get home stay busy. Every minute you aren't with the kids or sleeping, you are busy doing other things!)
4) Detach emotionally from this woman. What she does and says should have ZERO emotional impact on you. This one is very very tough. GAL helps immensely with this. But trust me on this, she wants you to react. She needs you to react. She expects you to react. When you remain calm, cool, pleased, happy, content, no matter what she says or does the impact on her will be profound.

Hang in there LB, I know you are tempted to think "not being there is what allowed this". However, many of us were ever present in our W's lives and still found ourselves dealing with a WAW. Don't fall into that thinking. Being here or still being 1000 miles away has no impact on your W right now. In fact, other than child care and visitation you should remain emotionally 1000 miles away from her right now.