What to do... W says she has been holding back a lot and really been missing me. Asked me to talk which we did.
She said she is just not as emotionally available as I am. And she is in a place where she feels she needs to be selfish because her whole life including our marriage she gave and never took. I held back the anger of paying for her life while she is being selfish. Tried to validate when I could. I think this is fine to an extent but unhealthy if too much. Moderation...
She also mentioned something 15 months ago I looked at her phone and saw setting intense stuff full frontal to om1. When seeing this I called her mom and told her what she was doing. I was definitely very hurt and angry but my intention was to get her help. I was reading these really sexual messages to her mom. And this guy was a piece of sht. Anyway I told w that our truths can be different and a healthy way of disagreeing and arguing is to respect each other’s opinions not try to change them. I validated it was definitely wrong of me and I understand your perception that you believe I just wanted to shame or hurt you. My perception is different but that doesn’t make you wrong. That’s your truth and I’m sorry.
Boundaries - Told her the inconsistency is unhealthy and I refuse to have toxic relationships in my life. I refuse to let anyone stop me from reaching my potential. And I do not want to hear about other men. I did apologize for repeating old patterns and being too focused on her when we were dating a few weeks ago. And I said it would not happen again. We talked about the love and relationship we had being unhealthy even though it feels good to be so close with someone to be healthy you need to have boundaries And your own separate lives and the relationship being a separate thing altogether.
Overall the conversation went well I’m sure I made a bunch of mistakes. Like even having the conversation in the first place. But she did reach out. She did seem to respect my opinions and said the difference is that I have read and done therapy and my opinions aren’t just me trying to control. I told her my opinions are usually based on instincts which are many times correct and serve us well but not in our relationship it seems. I told her I do not want to control her.
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But she did reach out.
Do you know how to say, "No"? This woman is not reaching out. She is creating an opportunity to play you. She is not trying to work on the MR. The only type of reaching out she is doing is strictly selfish. She is doing nothing more than tightening the emotional rope around you.
Why were you engaging with her? The next time she wants to "talk", tell her you are not interested in more talks. Then shut it down right then & there, or she'll have you drawn into more talking. After all this time, and after all the talks the two of you have had...….nothing has been resolved. She's still just as selfish as ever, and even believes she deserves to be selfish.
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All this being said I don’t see any change
No joke! Why is that a surprise? There is a reason we say no talks. As long as she is showing no change, there should no nothing to discuss.
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To say bye w got on my lap and hugged me sexually. I should deny these intimate touches I suppose.
You think?! Come on! You are suppose to be separated! Why were you even spending time with her while D4 and babysitter were doing their thing? Look, every time you allow your W to wrap you around her little finger, it sets you all the way back to the starting line again. Why can you not see how she uses sex to manipulate you and keep you emotionally enmeshed with all her drama? You had started sounding so much better...…..and next thing I know...…..she's crawling up in your lap to hug you sexually to say bye. This was the perfect opportunity to literally unwrap her body from yours and tell her thanks but no thanks.
IDK, maybe men can't see it, but she was showing you how easy it was for her to dominate you whenever she chooses. You meant no more than her toy at the moment.
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I did apologize for repeating old patterns and being too focused on her when we were dating a few weeks ago.
Please stop with this kind ^^^^^^^ of stuff. Just stop it. Stop all the talking. If she asks to talk, run like blazes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Why were you engaging with her? The next time she wants to "talk", tell her you are not interested in more talks. Then shut it down right then & there, or she'll have you drawn into more talking. After all this time, and after all the talks the two of you have had...….nothing has been resolved. She's still just as selfish as ever, and even believes she deserves to be selfish.