Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[Pax_luv]

Oh thank you, Job!

So.. I know I was really long winded above, but I think it comes down to the issue of not feeling good enough for anyone.


After my ex quit mc, I saw the therapist separately to try to work through the pain. She kept trying to tell me that I was never going to be good enough for my ex. Nothing I do/did would ever be good enough for him.

Well, she was right. I was surprised that she identified that, however, it wasn’t anything she brought up when ex and I were seeing her together.

So, the whole marriage (relationship actually) I twisted myself into a thousand knots trying to please him. I never knew about gaslighting, I never knew about projection.. I only thought my ex had weird neurosies that required me to change In order to meet his needs. What a mistake... but i thought that was a sacrifice one makes in a serious relationship. I’m sure he felt like he was accommodating me, too. (Especially by allowing me to live in his house! Hahaha! I crack myself up... that was a joke for anyone following my sitch.)

So when people see me a certain way, I get totally freaked out that they expect me to be that way always. Truth is, I do have a very forward facing job where I’m in front of a lot of people. And that job has opened up my other social pathways in terms of my community involvement, etc. those mannerisms and behaviors translate into every other encounter- at the gym, at a restaurant, etc. I’m always polished and professional because that’s how I show up.... and I always “show up.” In a way, my job is a bit superficial because outside of the few colleagues I’m with on a regular basis, most people only see who I am on stage.

What people don’t see, is that all my energy gets sucked from me when I’m Around a lot of people (INFJ temperament) so when I go home I can barely even function.

So it’s just hard that people don’t get to see the real me. (That same therapist reminded me that ex never saw me). And I can’t help but “show up” at all my social functions... people just think that’s who I am, but I’m very different behind closed doors and I get terrified of living up to those high expectations that people have of me... especially men. Guys may think I’m a catch... and yeah I want to have enough self esteem to believe that.... but it freaks me out that being a catch means high expectations that I may not live up to. Arg. I was so beaten down by ex that I’m still trying to fill up my own love tank.

When I was contemplating starting an online dating profile last week, I wanted to actually post pics of me without any makeup and not looking my best... hoping someone would maybe like me for me.

Just interesting realizations.

Oh and I’ve learned to open up and be vulnerable and share some of my struggles with people just so they can get to know the real me and so I can show up authentically. I know that I can do that and let people in. When I tell them I’m a walking sh*t show, they don’t believe it at all.

And on that same token... I’m trying to accept that when I am showing up and on stage pretending to be a “know it all” that maybe I am truly that girl too and I should just embrace it. She’s a little hoity toity, and maybe I really am too.

Ok that’s all I got. And, as I say this, I don’t want to offend anyone by saying any type of temperament and social style is better than another... it’s not... just sorting through the differences for myself.